The MarySue Chronicles
by tongue in cheek scribe
Summary: Blatently Mary-Sueish. But funny, I hope. Woman gets dragged into Middle Earth by Manwe. Meets Dwarf and Elf. Guess what happens next? Nope, you're wrong. Nah, I'm just kidding...of course, you're right. Please read and review! Complete!
1. Lost In Translation

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. If you don't recognize it, then I own it...so hands off. **Legolas:** Wow... that was a little harsh. **Me:** I'm PMS-ing. ** Legolas: **Did anyone ever tell you what a _joy_ you are to be around? **Me:** Bite me, Elfboy.

The Mary-sue Chronicles 

**Summary:** My apologies in advance...I couldn't help myself. I've written a blatant Mary-sue. I was weak. I couldn't resist the plot bunnies anymore. Bad, author, bad! I will continue to scourge myself until I have finished this story and gotten it out of my system. Hopefully. Rated "R" for adult content, strong language, etc., etc...hey - if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it _right_...

Chapter 1 

**Lost in Translation**

The day that changed my life forever started out like any other...my alarm rang. I hit the snooze and fell back asleep. It rang again. I hit the snooze again and fell back asleep. It rang again. I picked it up and threw it across the room.

I got out of bed - eventually - and stumbled into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, I winced at my reflection. I am still not sure if it was the hair doing that funky Don King thing...or the drool caked on my chin...or the eyes ringed with crow's feet...or the People magazine with Jennifer Aniston on the cover that was lying on top of the toilet tank that sent me over the edge. Whatever it was...I lost it. Completely. Right there, standing over my bathroom sink, I absolutely, _positively_ lost my mind.

"Shit on toast!" I yelled, my voice echoing off the tiles, flinging my tube of Aquafresh across the room. "Just exactly _how_ is it decided that people like _her_ get to be gorgeous, skinny, and sleeping with Brad Pitt, and people like _me_ get to be puffy-eyed, bubble-butted, and sleeping with Prozac? I really want to know! NOW! Somebody ANSWER ME!"

I stood panting over the sink, pieces of shredded People drifting to the floor around my Scooby Doo slippers. Taking a deep breath, I looked again into the mirror above the sink, and saw...not me. The face looking back was _definitely_ not my own. I knew it wasn't me because the face that was looking back at me had smooth, unblemished skin, and clear eyes...and a beard. On my worst day, facial hair at least had never been a problem. Still, my hands flew to my chin just to make sure.

"Huh?" I said, blinking rapidly to see if the image in the mirror changed.

"Are you always this brilliant a conversationalist in the morning?" the Face In The Mirror asked, raising an elegant eyebrow.

"Oh, God...I'm insane. It's never a good sign when you start seeing things...but when you start hearing voices, too..." my voice trailed off as I stared at the not-me reflection.

"You aren't crazy. And stop stroking your chin...you don't have a beard and you'll give yourself a rash," The Face In The Mirror admonished.

"Who _are_ you and what are you doing in my mirror?" I heard myself ask.

"Glad you finally decided to join the conversation. My name is Manwe, and I am here to answer your question."

"What question?"

"The one you were screaming just a few moments ago! Remember? The whole 'how is it decided that _she_ gets to blah, blah, blah, and _I_ get to blah, blah, blah..."

"Oh, yeah, right. _That_ question. Okay, well...what's the answer?" I asked, still not sure if the conversation was actually happening, or simply in my head.

"The answer is..._because_."

"Because? _BECAUSE_? What the hell kind of an answer is that? You come into _my_ bathroom, listen to _my_ private ravings, take up space in _my_ mirror, and all you can tell me is _BECAUSE_?" I yelled, looking at the Face In The Mirror in utter disbelief. "Because _WHY_?"

"Just because. It is simply a random act of nature...there _is_ no reason. She was born the way she was because of a random mixing of genetic material...and you were born the way you were because of the same reason," Manwe replied, rather smugly.

"Tell me you're not _serious_ with that answer. Do I look like a moron to you? I already KNOW that. The question was really WHO decides WHO get WHICH genes, and WHY!"

"Oh. Well, then I suppose we must wax philosophical. The answer, of course would depend on your religious beliefs..."

"Oh _SHUT UP!_ It's too early in the morning and I'm too freaked out right now to debate religion with a reflection in my bathroom mirror. Go away," I said flatly, turning and stalking out of the bathroom.

I went into the kitchen, almost managing to convince myself that I had dreamed the entire Face In The Mirror thing. I turned on the coffeepot, hoping the caffeine would clear my head. I was passing the microwave that hung above my stove, when I caught a reflection in the dark door.

"Oh, no...not _you_ again!" I said to the face peering out at me.

"Would you PLEASE come back to the bathroom? It's a very dark in here, and I can't see very clearly through this glass."

"NO! GO AWAY!" I bellowed, racing out of the kitchen and locking myself in my bedroom.

"This is getting tiresome. I am not going to chase you all around the house forever. I have better things to do, you know," Manwe said from the full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door. "Stop being difficult."

"Who asked you to chase me? _I_ asked you to go away! Why are you still here? For that matter, why are you here _at all?_" I yelled, frustrated, because in order to get out of my bedroom I would have had to put my hand disturbingly near the mirror on the back of the door, and I wasn't about to get too close.

"Finally, an intelligent question...just when I was beginning to despair of you EVER asking one..." Manwe said, rather sarcastically. "I am one of the Valar, created by Eru to...'

"One of the _what_ created by _who_?"

"Will you _please_ not interrupt? Haven't you ever read Tolkien? The Hobbit? Lord of the Rings?"

"Yeah, about a thousand years ago in school."

"Good. As I was saying, I am one of the Valar..." Seeing the blank look that remained on my face, Manwe rolled his eyes and sighed. "Surely, you've at least seen the movies?"

"Oh, yeah, sure...all three. You weren't in them."

"Don't remind me. I don't know _what_ Peter Jackson was thinking...oh never mind! The reason I am here is because Eru decreed that every hundred years, give or take a decade, the Valar need to prove that they can still profoundly affect people's lives. It used to be a piece of cake with all the wars, and rings of power, and so on, but lately it's been getting more difficult. We're starting to run out of people who need to be influenced. So, when I heard your banshee screaming fit, I thought, 'now here's a perfect opportunity to show Eru that I still have what it takes!'"

"Wait a minute...you just mentioned Tolkien. If he made you up when he wrote the books, then why are you speaking like the whole story of the Lord of the Rings is real? For that matter, if he made _you_ up, how can you have taken up residence in my mirror?"

"You really are not very bright, are you?" He asked scornfully. "Do you think you're the only one who has ever owned a mirror?"

"Are you telling me that you showed up in _Tolkien's_ bathroom one day?"

Manwe giggled. "He was shaving at the time...with a straight edged razor. Nearly lost him before I could even tell him who I was! Regardless, he got to write the stories..."

"Well, goody for Tolkien. What does that have to do with me?"

"If I'm not mistaken, you are envious of the woman on the cover of that magazine, aren't you?"

"ENVIOUS? Of her? Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever hea..." I stopped at the look of skepticism on Manwe's reflected face.

"Please. Do I look like I fell off the turnip cart yesterday?" he asked, raising a brow in a most annoying manner.

"Alright. So, maybe I'm a teeny bit jealous...it's just that some people seem to have it all, and refuse to share the wealth with the rest of us poor slobs."

"Good, then we're agreed. Now, as to my plan for you, it is really quite simple. Ingenious, but simple. I cannot change your life in your current world, but I can in MY world. So...Tolkien got to write about us, but YOU get to live here!"

"I do live here."

"Not YOUR here...MY here...Oh, for Eru's sake..." With that, Manwe reached out, grabbed hold of my arm, and pulled me into the mirror...Scooby Doo slippers, and all.


	2. The Gods Must Be Crazy

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I wasn't in the last chapter. **Me: ** Everything isn't always about _you_, you know. **Legolas:** Yes, it is. These stories are ALWAYS about me.** Me:** Not this one. **Legolas:** Liar.

Chapter 2 

**The Gods Must Be Crazy**

"Ooomph!"

I landed hard on my butt, legs sprawled out in front of me. The very first thing I noticed was, unless someone had replaced my bedroom's threadbare gray carpet with one of lush green grass and trees, that I was no longer in my room.

The second thing I noticed...or rather, the second and _third_ things I noticed, were my boobs. They weren't the same ones I woke up with that morning.

Standing, I looked down at my chest in awe. "Manwe! What did you _do_?" I yelled, cupping those babies in disbelief. "These are _not_ mine! These are HUGE! More than that, they're..._buoyant_!"

"Well, at least ye will never have to worry about drowning," came a voice from somewhere to my right.

Spinning around, I saw no one in the forest with my new boobs and me.

"Down here, Lassie."

I looked down to see a very small person, with long, matted red hair and beard, dressed like a renaissance faire reject.

"Did you just call me a _dog_, Tiny Tim?" I asked, still cupping those melons.

"No. I called ye a lass, and ye can let go of those now...I don't think they're likely to fall off anytime soon."

I quickly dropped my hands, putting them behind me. Feeling something extremely odd back there, I felt around a bit. "MANWE! What did you do with the rest of me? I had a butt when I woke up this morning! Where is it? Where ARE YOU?" I screamed to the sky.

"Lassie, he's not going to answer...he's done his job."

"Dumping me in the middle of nowhere with someone else's boobs and ass is what he considers 'doing his job?'" I yelled, putting my hands on my waist and scowling down at the little guy.

I felt my fingers encircle my waist... they nearly touched! I hadn't been able to do that since I was ten! Mentally, I added 'tiny waist' to the list of things I needed to discuss with Manwe when I found him.

"Aye. Well, not exactly. Ye aren't in the middle of nowhere...Yer in the middle of Mirkwood. Forest, that is. In Middle Earth. Me name is Gimli, son of Gloin. I'm a Dwarf, in case ye be wondering. I'm also the one chosen by Manwe to be yer first contact here," Gimli said. "Welcome to Middle Earth. Ye are here through a benevolent act of the Valar, to serve a purpose unknown to any but them," he concluded in an obviously very well rehearsed speech.

"Swell. Trapped in a forest I've never heard of, in a body that doesn't remotely resemble the one I had twenty minutes ago, with a gnome on a power trip. Perfect!"

"Auch! Yer gonna be trouble, aren't ye, Lassie? Gnome, indeed! I told ye I was a _Dwarf_!" Gimli yelled, quite affronted and fingering his axe.

"Oh, pardon me..._Dwarf_. Well, Dwarf...what am I supposed to do now?" I asked sarcastically.

"That's _Master_ Dwarf to you, Lassie," Gimli corrected, still peeved at my callous disregard of his race.

"You've GOT to be kidding! The day I call _anybody_ 'master' is the day they _bury _me, new boobs, ass, and all!" I cried, bending down to go nose to nose with him.

"Fine! Have it ye own way! Just call me Gimli, then. Anything to get ye to SHUT UP!" he yelled back.

"That's better. Alright, Gimli, just what am I supposed to do now?" I asked, straightening up and looking around. "There doesn't seem to be much here except trees. Which reminds me of another thing...did Manwe the Magnificent ever stop to wonder whether I might have allergies? The pollen here is going to kill me!"

"Nothing here will kill ye, as long as _I'm_ around, Lassie. Never fear!" Gimli said bravely, puffing out his chest and holding up his axe.

"Oh, my _hero_!" I shot back sarcastically. "I meant that in a few minutes I'm likely to start sneezing until I die."

"Do ye have a cold? We'll have to make a stop to see the Healers, then..."

'I don't have a cold...oh, forget it! Just tell me what I'm supposed to do now!"

"Alright, then Lassie...er, do ye have a name?" Gimli asked, craning his head to see past my new boobs.

"Emmess," I replied, reddening a little. "I know, I know...it's a stupid name. My parents were children of the sixties. Too much acid.'

"Oh, Lassie, I'm sorry...they were burned?"

"Burned-out is more like it...never mind," I said. I wasn't even going to attempt to explain hallucinogenics to the little guy.

'Well, Emmess, we best be going," Gimli said, beckoning me to follow. "We need to walk a bit to get to the clearing where he's waiting."

"Where who's waiting?" I asked, following the Dwarf deeper into the forest.

"The one Manwe sent ye here to meet...me best friend...Legolas Greenleaf, the Prince of Mirkwood.

"Oh, this just gets better and better..." I said under my breath, following him through the brush.

"

"


	3. Deliverance

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Told you this would be about me! **Me:** Anyone ever tell you that you're really annoying, Elf? Pretty, but annoying. **Legolas**: All the time...

Chapter 3 

**Deliverance**

"Ouch! Oooph! Ouch!"

"Lassie! What in Arda are ye _doing_ back there?" Gimli called from several yards ahead of me. "Ye need to keep up!"

"Easier said than done, Dwarf! This dress Manwe put me in keeps getting snagged on every twig in the forest! Hasn't anyone in this world ever heard of jeans? Hiking boots? UNDERWEAR?" I yelled, pulling my skirt free of yet another branch.

"Underwhat? Jean who? What the devil are ye talking about?" Gimli asked, walking back to where I stood, trying to disentangle myself from a briar patch.

"Pants, Gimli. Like the ones you're wearing," I said, wincing at the ripping sound my skirt made as it came free.

"Females do not wear leggings -'Twould be indecent!" Gimli answered, eyes wide.

"Oh, really? Pants would be indecent, but giant boobs bulging out of low cut dresses are okay? Guess what the _first_ thing is that I'm going to change around here?" I snapped, tripping over a log half hidden by brush. "Is every male in this world as much a chauvinistic pig as you?"

"Oh, a _pig_ now, am I? First a gnome, now a pig...yer getting' on me last nerve, lassie," Gimli growled, turning around and heading off again.

"Sor-ry! I'm just a little out of sorts, okay? It's not everyday that I get pulled into another world by some guy in my mirror, put in a body that doesn't belong to me, and find myself getting dragged through the great wilderness by a short guy with an attitude! OW!"

"NOW WHAT?"

"My hair is caught on a bush! Hey...my hair wasn't long enough to catch on anything when I got here...MANWE! STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY!" I screamed, taking hold of my long mane with both hands and yanking it free.

"Will ye kindly SHUT UP! Yer going to attract every beast in the forest with that shrieking!" Gimli admonished, walking on ahead.

"How much further is this clearing, anyway? We've been walking forever!"

"Do ye EVER do anything but complain, woman? It's just up ahead. As a matter of fact, ye might want to take a moment now to...er...compose yerself."

"Compose what...oh..." I said, looking down at myself. My new boobs were struggling to break free of the bodice of my dress. I pulled and yanked until I had them back under control. "I think these are going to be more trouble than they're worth..." I thought to myself, giving a final yank on my bodice.

Gimli led the way into a small clearing in the wood. He led me to a large rock, and motioned for me to have a seat. Sighing, I - for once - did what he told me to do without complaining. My feet were killing me.

He walked a few feet away, then turned to face me. Clearing his throat he began to speak in a very formal voice, "May I present His Highness, Lord of the Wood, Prince of Mirkwood..."

"He makes you _announce_ him...even here, in the middle of nowhere? What an ego!" I interrupted, putting a hand over my mouth to stifle a sudden fit of snorting giggles.

"Lassie! Fer the _last_ time, will ye PLEASE shut up and let me do my job?"

"Sorry." I sat on the rock, took off my shoe and started rubbing my foot.

Gimli cleared his throat again. "As I was saying," he began again, shooting me a dirty look, "His Highness, Lord of the Wood, Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf!"

I listened for the sound of trumpets, but I guess that would have been a bit much.

A tall figure, dressed in a pale blue tunic and leggings, stepped out of the brush next to Gimli.

"Hannon le, Gimli," he said in a deep, soft voice. "Is this she?"

"No Laddie, this is some _other_ girl I found wandering in yer forest. Of _course_ this is she!" Gimli had exhausted his patience on me and had none left for the Prince.

Legolas raised an elegant eyebrow at Gimli. "Is something wrong, mellon min? You seem a bit...irritated."

"Oh, you'll see for yerself soon enough, Laddie," he said as they both approached me. "Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, may I present the Lady Emmess, of...somewhere else."

"Milady, I welcome you to Arda, and to Mirkwood," he said, giving me a slight bow.

"Yeah, nice to meet you," I said, not taking my eyes off the blisters that were raising on my feet. "Would you look at this? Haven't you people ever heard of tennis shoes?"

"You see, Laddie? Now ye know why I'm so grouchy," Gimli said to Legolas, smacking him on the arm. "Emmess!" he continued, addressing me, "It is customary to look at someone when they are speaking to ye! It is also customary for a lady to curtsey when she's presented to royalty!"

"Curtsey? Well pardon me for not being familiar with sovereign etiquette...we don't _have_ royalty where I come from! Unless you count celebrities...but I wouldn't curtsey to them either!" I threw back at him, still not looking up from my poor, aching feet.

"Auch! She's a winner, this one is..." Gimli said, clearly exasperated with me. "In any case, Legolas, me job here is done. I'm going back to the Hall and get meself very drunk. Good luck, Laddie."

Without a further word, he stomped off toward the north east, disappearing into the forest.

"Eh-hem," Legolas cleared his throat, evidently trying to get my attention. "Milady...Milady? We need to go now...the hour grows late."

I finally put my shoe back on - painfully, mind you - and looked up at the stranger standing in front of me.

Wow.

He was very tall and broad shouldered, with a narrow waist and hips that the snug tunic showed off very well. His features combined in some odd mix of alchemy to form a flawless, unbelievably handsome face, framed by very long, silky strands of platinum hair. Held away from his face by a glittery twisted metal crown, I could see that some of his hair had been intricately braided, but most hung free. His eyes were a soft, clear blue, fringed with thick golden lashes, under delicately arched brows - and they were looking right at me.

Double wow.

I did the only thing a woman in my position, faced with the most gorgeous creature ever conceived, _could _have done at that moment...I yelled at him.

"Well, excuse me, _your highness_, but your little gnome messenger boy has just finished dragging my sorry butt through a freaking jungle...my blisters have blisters. So I'm sure you'll pardon me if I don't jump up and come running - I'm just a little pissed off!"

"Egads," he said, arching those smooth brows and widening those incredible eyes, " Gimli did not jest..." he said under his breath.

"I _heard_ that!' I told him, putting my hands on my new, pleasingly rounded hips.

"My apologies, Milady...um...may I call you Emmess?" he asked, giving me another slight bow.

'Yes, I suppose you can, since it's my name...and please stop bobbing up and down like that - you're making me dizzy," I replied, my mouth still running amok.

I couldn't help but let my eyes wander over his face again...and froze when I realized that there was something definitely wrong with his ears.

He saw the look on my face, and frowned slightly. "Emmess, is something wrong?"

"Your ears...are, um...well...they're pointy."

"Of course."

"Of course? You planning on going to a Star Trek convention later?"

"We gaze at the stars here, Emmess - we do not journey to them," Legolas explained patiently.

"No...I mean the Mr. Spock thing...oh, never mind. I keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas anymore. What's with the ears?"

"I'm an Elf. We all have pointy ears."

"You're a _what_?" I asked, rubbing my own ears. "Did you say that you're an _ELF_?"

"Of course...didn't Manwe tell you?"

"Manwe didn't tell me anything...I thought elves were little people, like Gnome-boy..."

"Gimli is a dwarf, not a gnome, and he happens to be my best friend, so I would appreciate it if you would please refer to him with a little respect," Legolas said, his beautiful eyes narrowing.

I took a deep breath, and sighed, my new delicate shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry. I'm being a real brass balled bitch, aren't I? I really am sorry. It's just that this has been a helluva day...can we please start over?" I asked. I didn't like the red that was creeping into his eyes as he began to get angry. Besides, so far, everyone had done nothing but try to be nice to me. The only one I should really be pissed at was Manwe, and he was no where to be found.

"Certainly. It is perfectly understandable...given the circumstances," Legolas replied genteelly, his eyes returning to that lovely shade of blue. "Elves are not little...my race is actually quite tall. Our ears are pointed, and our eyesight is _extremely_ acute," he continued, a small smile playing about his full lips. His eyes darted down to my chest and back again.

I looked down and, low and behold, the girls were trying to escape again.


	4. My Fair Lady

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** _I'm too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt..._ **Me:** Knock it off, Elfboy. **Legolas:** You want me...come on, admit it! **Me:** How did you fit in through the door with a head that big? **Legolas:** Hey...you're the one describing me as, and I quote, 'the most gorgeous creature ever conceived..." **Me:** That's why it's called _fiction_.

Chapter 4 

**My Fair Lady**

Quickly spinning around - no mean feat since I was still sitting on that rock - I discreetly jammed the twins back into their corral. Peeking back over my shoulder, I saw Legolas looking down at the ground with a smile.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that it's not nice to laugh at someone else's discomfort?"

"My apologies, again, Emmess," he replied, starting to bow, but catching himself in time. I noticed that he didn't look very sorry.

Turning back around, I asked, "You said before that you've spoken to Manwe...what exactly did he tell you? Do you know why he felt the need to completely turn my life upside down?"

"Aye, he has reasons. You are to be my escort this night at a celebration being held by my father, King Thranduil of Mirkwood."

"A _party_? You need a date for a party, so Manwe decides the best course of action is to yank some poor unsuspecting soul in from another dimension? What kind of sick, twisted people _are_ you?" I raged, jumping up from the rock and stamping my new size 3 foot. Looking up into that incredible face, I added, "Besides, do you honestly expect me to believe that _you_ couldn't get a date on your own?"

"None like _you_, Emmess," he said simply, in that soft velvet voice.

Damn. The guy was good, I had to give him that. He had succeeded in completely flustering me...no easy task.

"What's this party for?" I asked, finding a piece of lint on my sleeve suddenly fascinating. "Ugh. I can't believe I'm letting this guy _do_ this to me! I haven't acted this way since middle school," I thought to myself, unable to raise my eyes from that imaginary piece of lint. I could actually feel a blush creeping up my neck, and hated myself for it.

"'Tis the Summer Solstice. It is a very important, traditional event for my people. We are expecting visiting dignitaries from all over Arda," Legolas replied. "I would be greatly indebted to you if you would agree to allow me to escort you...I know how difficult this entire situation must be for you."

"Well, I suppose since I'm stuck here and all..." I answered, finally prying my eyes up from my sleeve. "Manwe _will_ send me back after the party, right?"

"Excellent! We shall ride at once for the Great Hall," he smiled, ignoring my question.

"Ride?" I thought, looking around the clearing. I couldn't see anything that even _remotely_ resembled transportation.

Legolas let out a loud, shrill whistle. Just a few moments later, a huge white horse galloped into the clearing, coming to rest next to Legolas.

"Oh, no..." I thought, looking at the horse, then down at my chest, "I'm having a hard enough time keeping these things in line as it is...I'll knock myself out bouncing around on that horse."

Legolas smiled, unaware of my thoughts - I hoped - and in one smooth motion, leapt up to straddle the horse. I stood looking up at him, fully aware the he was enjoying an aerial view of my assets. He reached down with one hand, grabbing my own. Before I knew it, I was seated in front of him on the horse, his arm securely holding me in place.

'Relax, Emmess...Arod can sense that you are nervous," Legolas said quietly, just behind my right ear.

"Sorry...can't help it. The only horse I've ever ridden was on a carousel."

"I know not what breed of horse that is, but Arod has served me well since the War...he will not falter, and neither will I. I will not let you fall, Emmess," he reassured me, tightening his grip on my waist.

I felt him nudge the horse with his heels, and we were off at a trot. A very bouncy trot. An _extremely_ bouncy trot. I quickly threw my arms across my chest trying desperately to keep my new boobs inside the bodice of my dress where they belonged. Not to mention from hitting me in the chin.

We rode for nearly a half-hour, at my best guess. Up and down, up and down...it felt like my boobs were doing aerobics. Distracted though I was, I also felt something even more disturbing than my wayward chest...it seemed Legolas was rising to the occasion.

"Oh god...please tell me that's _not_ what I think it is..." I thought, feeling that damn blush creeping back. "Oh god, it _is_. Wow, the Elfboy's got hidden talent..." I couldn't help but think admirably. I shook my head and forced my attention back my own two problems.

We finally approached the large mouth of a cave set into a hillside. Legolas reined the horse to a stop and slid off. I noticed that he turned away for a moment...adjusting himself. I took that moment to peek down and make sure everything I now owned was where it should be.

Reaching up, he lifted me from my perch seemingly without effort. Smiling and offering me his arm, he led me into the cavern, while another elf led the horse in different direction.

"Welcome to the Great Hall of Mirkwood, Emmess," Legolas said, grandly sweeping his arm to encompass the gigantic cavern. I looked around in amazement, trying to take everything in at once and failing miserably.

The cavern was a tremendous atrium, easily the size of a football field, stretching deep into the mountainside. Several tiers of walkways were carved into the sides, with innumerous doors lining them. Somehow, they managed to grow trees, plants, and flowers from the bare earth floor, without benefit of sunlight. The entire effect was of an indoor garden, beautifully landscaped and vibrant with color.

Everywhere I looked, I saw Elves, very much like Legolas, scurrying about on their little Elf errands. They were all tall and willowy, moving quickly and gracefully about the cavern. Both male and females sported long, shining hair, and all of them were beautiful. New body or not, I was already beginning to feel inferior.

I noticed that every Elf that passed Legolas gave him both a smile and a nod. Several stopped and actually bowed, though he dismissed these with a smile and a wave of his hand, as if it embarrassed him.

"Laddie! I see ye made it back in time..._alive_," came a voice from our left. Gimli approached, holding a mug in one hand, and what appeared to be the largest turkey leg I had ever seen in his other.

"I'd have thought the she-devil would have chewed ye up and spit ye out by now!"

Legolas gave me a meaningful look. A look that meant I had some apologizing to do. Ordinarily, I'm not very good at apologizing, especially to bossy gnomes, but I felt it best to be the bigger man...so to speak.

"Gimli...um, I'm...um..."

"Sorry? Regretful? Remorseful? Contrite? Fer being rude? Obnoxious? Annoying? Troublesome? Take yer pick, Lassie," Gimli said snidely.

"Hey! I'm trying to be nice, here! You're not helping things, Dwarf!" I yelled, getting my dander up.

"That's MASTER Dwarf, I told ye!" Gimli hollered back, slopping his ale over the rim of his mug.

Legolas stepped between us, giving us both a stern look. "Enough! Emmess was trying to apologize, Gimli...let it go at that," he said to the Dwarf, who was still muttering under his beard. "Emmess, Gimli _was_ only doing his job...he is not to blame for your being here," he admonished, looking at me looking at Gimli. "You both need to learn to get along." Turning to me again, he said, "Do I make myself clear?"

It was obvious that he was used to being obeyed when he used that tone of voice. It was equally obvious that he had never used it on me before.

'Listen, _Princey_...I think I've been a really good sport about all this so far. DO NOT make the mistake of thinking you can order me around, because that ain't gonna happen in this lifetime! Do I make MYSELF clear?" I spat, poking him in the chest. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Elves stopping in their tracks all over the Hall and staring in our direction.

"Princey? _PRINCEY_? I...YOU...WE...ARGH!" Legolas shouted, throwing up his hands and stalking off, leaving me standing alone with the Dwarf in the middle of the Great Hall of Mirkwood.

'Now ye've done it, Lass..." Gimli said, taking a huge bite of his turkey leg. "I've not seen him this upset since he thought Aragorn fell to his death in Rohan..."

"He deserved it! I am NOT one his subjects..." I sputtered, more angry than I'd been in a long while. Flopping myself onto a nearby bench, I looked at Gimli, munching away on his drumstick. "Gimli...I really am sorry for the way I treated you before. You're right...I was being a bitch."

Gimli looked at me and actually smiled. "Lassie, if it had been me in yer shoes, I'd likely have beaten me silly right there in the grove Manwe dropped ye in," he said, laughing. "Don't think anything of it!"

I looked at him gratefully, glad to at least have one person in this whole miserable world who was willing to speak with me. I had not missed the sideways glances and frowns I had been receiving from the Elves in the Hall after Legolas stomped off.

"Ah, Lassie..." Gimli said, motioning toward me with his drumstick.

"Huh?" I followed his line of sight and realized that, to top everything off, I was giving the Hall a free show.


	5. Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas: **You know, if you keep making Emmess piss me off, we're never going to end up in bed. **Me:** What makes you think Emmess is going to end up in bed with _you_? **Legolas:** The heroine _always_ ends up in bed with me. **Me:** There's that ego again. I have news for you...maybe I'll have her go to bed with Gimli! **Legolas:** Ewww! Get that picture out of my head right now! **Gimli:** _I'm too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt..._

Chapter 5 

**Guess Who's Coming To Dinner**

**Legolas** slammed the door to his private quarters shut, and stood panting in the middle of the room.

"She is exasperating! Completely, absolutely, positively exasperating! _Princey_, indeed! I've never been addressed so crudely...not even by Gimli! Imagine, _poking_ me! Raising her voice! Right in the middle of the Great Hall, no less! Maddening!"

Not caring that he was ranting to an empty room, Legolas began to pace. "I should bring her right back to forest now! Let the wild wargs deal with her! Although that might not be fair to the wargs!"

"I don't suppose you might consider that you're overreacting - just a tad, would you?" asked a voice.

Legolas stopped pacing, looking around the room for the source of the voice.

"Over here..."

Legolas looked toward his dressing table, and saw Manwe's face in the reflecting glass that hung over it.

"YOU!" Legolas cried, marching up to the mirror. "This is all YOUR fault! If you hadn't decided to meddle in my affairs, that irritating, impulsive, foul mouthed shrew would never have set foot in Mirkwood!"

Manwe smirked at Legolas. "You like her."

Legolas stopped short in his raving, staring at Manwe. "Did you hear not a word of what I've said?"

"Yes, I heard it all. I doubt not that all of _Arda_ has heard it, the way you were bellowing! But the fact of the matter is that you would not be so utterly beside yourself if she were just a maiden that you could toss casually aside, as you threaten. You _like_ her. That's why she irritates you so much."

"You're mad...she _poked_ me!"

"So what? _You_ were being overbearing."

"I was not being overbearing! I was being...um..." Legolas paused for a moment, realizing exactly how he had behaved.

"I brought her into this world just this morning. She knows not a soul here, nor any of our customs. Not to mention that I put her in a different body than she's used to. She didn't ask for _any _of this, you know...that was _your_ doing. All she wanted was an answer to a question..._you're_ the one that made the wish. She's confused, and not a small bit frightened, I should think, and what do you do? Pull a royal hissy fit the moment you arrive at the Hall. I thought I explained all of this to you before. I told you that her world was different than ours...people act differently, dress differently...what part of all that didn't you understand?"

Legolas paled as he realized Manwe spoke the truth. It _was_ all his fault. He sat at the dressing table, shoulders slumped, head in his hands.

"You know what you need to do, don't you? You need to march right back into the Hall, and apologize. Not privately, mind you! Right now the Elves are ready to use her as a human pincushion. They need to know you were wrong, too."

"She'll never forgive me...I embarrassed her in front of the entire Hall."

"Give her a chance - she may surprise you."

"Oh, I doubt not that she'll surprise me...she manages to do that every time she opens her mouth," Legolas said sardonically, standing up. He took a deep breath, knowing this wasn't going to be easy, and turned to leave the room.

"Remember, it was _your_ wish..._Princey_."

Spinning back around, Legolas opened his mouth to let Manwe have it, but the reflecting glass was empty. Manwe's laughter faded away, leaving Legolas alone.

**I had** just finished tucking the twins back in bed. Gimli had stood politely in front of me shielding me from the view the rest of the Hall as I wrestled them back in. Finally having made myself "G" rated again, I stood, and placed my hand on Gimli's shoulder.

'Thank you, Gimli. I'm really not used to these things, yet."

"Understandable, Lassie, " he laughed, finishing off his turkey leg. He took a deep draught of his ale, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Would ye care for an ale, Lass? Might settle yer nerves..."

"No, thanks, Gimli. I'm going back to the forest to try to find Manwe. I have to get him to send me back..."

"Ye won't find him in the forest, Lass," Gimli said, grabbing hold of my sleeve. "The forest is a dangerous place...it's full of wild animals that would love to have ye as a snack."

"It's better than staying here," I shot back, eyeing the distrustful looks on the faces of the Elves all around me. "If I stay here one more minute, these Elves are going to string me up!"

"Bah! Pay them no nevermind! It'll work out, Lassie...you'll see. He's really not a bad sort, ye know. He'll come around..."

"What makes you think I _want_ him to 'come around?'" I asked, putting my hands on my hips. "He's an insufferable, pigheaded, egotistical jackass who wouldn't know good manners if they came up and bit him on the ass!"

"I suppose I deserve that..."

I spun around to find myself face to face with Legolas. He stood looking at me with those blue, blue eyes in that angelic face, and I suddenly didn't know whether I wanted to hug him or knee him in the groin.

"I owe you an apology, Emmess," he began, executing one of those graceful bows that I said I disliked, but secretly adored. "There is no excuse for my behavior...I _was_ insufferable, pigheaded, and...what else did you call me?"

"An egotistical jackass," Gimli put in grinning, obviously enjoying Legolas' discomfort immensely.

"Thank you," he said, throwing Gimli a snide look. "An egotistical jackass. I realize now exactly how much you have gone through today...no one can be expected to adjust to such a radical change so quickly! I should have been much more patient with you...will you please forgive me?" He continued, taking my hand in his.

"Patient with me?" I exploded, snatching my hand back. "That implies that I was wrong! I didn't do anything wrong, pal...you were the one who got all pissy, and tried ordering me around! I don't live here...I'm a _guest_, remember! I'm not one of your subjects who'll grovel whenever you snap your fin..."

"Emmess..." Legolas interrupted, putting a finger to my lips, "You are right. It was all my fault, and I am sorry. Please forgive me."

Those heavenly blue eyes sucked me right in.

Damn him.

"I suppose so, since you asked nicely..." I replied, unable to tear my eyes away from his. "Argh! Who is this person that's taken over my mouth?" I thought, disgusted with myself. "I'm acting like a teenaged bimbo...can't...stop...staring...ARGH!" With a supreme effort of will, I tore my attention from Legolas and looked at Gimli, who was still standing next to us, smirking.

"Gimli and I are alright, now, aren't we?" I asked Gimli, desperately seeking a distraction from the tall Elf.

"Aye, Lassie, aye. We be fine now...Laddie," he asked, tapping the Elf on the arm to get his attention, "Laddie...LEGOLAS!"

Legolas tore his eyes away from me and looked down at his friend.

Gimli sighed, shaking his head, saying under his breath "This is going to be a long night." Speaking up once more, he said, "The hour for the party draws near...shouldn't ye be showing Emmess to her room so that she can ready herself? You also need to be getting dressed, don't ye?"

"Aye, Gimli, and thank you for caring for Emmess while I was...um...indisposed."

"Indisposed! Ha! That's a good one, Laddie. You mean while you were throwing a tantrum, don't ye?"

"Let us not go there _again_, Master Dwarf," Legolas frowned. He turned to me and offered me his arm. "Emmess, please allow me to show you to your room."

I took his arm, and we walked up a nearby flight of stairs to the second level of the atrium. Stopping in front of one of the doors, he opened it and said, "I trust you'll find everything you need in here, Emmess."

I peeked inside the room, and spotted a female Elf standing quietly just within the door.

"This room seems to be already taken," I said softly, nodding toward the girl. "I don't mind sharing, though."

"This is Adranial...your handmaiden. She'll assist you in getting ready for dinner," Legolas smiled, urging me into the room.

"She's my _what_? I don't need a _handmaiden_...that's ridiculous! I haven't needed help getting dressed since I was five!" I said, refusing to budge.

"Can you not _ever_ just do what you're told?" he asked, frowning. "Besides, it appears to me that you _have_ had trouble _staying_ dressed all day!"

"You're doing it again...you're being insufferable! Pigheaded! An egotistical jackass...shall I go on? I do _not_ need help!"

"Emmess...you'll hurt her feelings! It is an honor to be chosen to assist a guest in their bath," Legolas whispered, trying a different tact and holding on to my arm to prevent me from leaving.

I looked at the Elf standing in the room, and noticed that she did, indeed, look disheartened by my callous remarks. I might be a mouthy broad, but I had never been purposely unkind.

"I'm sorry, Adranial...I'm just not used to your customs here. I'd be pleased if you could help me," I said, rewarded with a small smile from the handmaiden. I entered the room, closing the door behind me without a single backward glance at Legolas. "Let him stew for awhile," I thought. I heard him sputtering behind the closed door, and smiled to myself.


	6. Great Expectations

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Gimli:** So, in what chapter will Emmess and I get to do the funky monkey? **Me:** Dwarf, you are a disgusting little man. **Gimli:** You told Lego that the heroine was going to go to bed with me! **Me:** I lied. **Gimli:** That is _so_ not fair! It's been about 3,000 years since I've gotten any. Dwarves need love too, you know! **Me:** Stop humping my computer, Dwarf.

Chapter 6 

**Great Expectations**

Standing in the middle of the spacious room, I looked around trying to familiarize myself with its contents. The walls were a creamy white stone, which rose to meet a high ceiling. The floors were the same stone, and scattered with rag rugs of brilliant color. A large, soft looking bed stood in the center of the room, fluffed with white sheets and dozens of pillows. A large, intricately carved armoire of some rosy hued wood was placed against one of the walls, and a small dressing table with a shiny, mirror-like plaque above it was placed along another. Along the far right wall was another doorway, which I assumed to be the bathroom. I was pretty certain that indoor plumbing had not made its way here yet, and cringed inwardly at the thought of having to use a chamber pot.

Flowers and plants in many different shades and sizes were sprinkled about the room in pots, vases, and baskets, scenting the air with a delicate perfume. Lit by a dozen or more softly glowing oil lamps, the room was bathed in a warm, amber luster.

"Well, it sure beats Motel Six," I said, nearly overwhelmed by the beauty of the room.

"Milady?" Adranial asked, "Shall I prepare your bath?"

"Ummm, a bath! That sounds wonderful, Adranial. Thank you," I answered, smiling at both the thought of getting clean, and the handmaiden.

While she hurried into the other room to get the bath ready, I sat myself down at the dressing table. Looking into the black onyx stone that hung above it, I was surprised to see my reflection looking back at me as clearly as if it had been a mirror. My breath caught in my throat at the face looking back at me. It was the first time I had seen the face Manwe had stuck on me this morning.

The girl in the mirror's face was heart shaped, with smooth pale skin. She had large, almond-shaped eyes of a vivid green, framed by lush black lashes and smooth brows. Her cheekbones were high and softly rounded, her nose small and turned up a bit at the end. Full lips parted to reveal even white teeth. A great mane of black silky hair tumbled about her shoulders. Cautiously, I pulled the hair back to reveal my ears. Whew. At least I was still human. All in all, I had to admit Manwe had done pretty well.

Yeah, suck wind, Jennifer Aniston.

As I stared into the mirror, the reflection began to waver. A moment later, a familiar bearded face was staring back at me.

'YOU!" I cried, nearly jumping out of my skin. "Manwe, where have you _been_ what did you _do_ to me do you have _any_ idea what I've gone _through_ today why the _hell_ did you send me here?" The questions rolled off my tongue in one long ramble, and I paused only to gather another breath.

"SILENCE!" he roared, stunning me into just that. "For the love of Eru, will you just shut up for one moment? Thank you. First, you are here for a purpose. I will not tell you that purpose, because that's _not_ how the Valar operate. Second, I hooked you up with freaking _royalty_, and you're complaining? Third, in case you haven't noticed, I also put you in a gorgeous body, so don't knock it. Lastly, just make the best of the situation, because I'm not sending you anywhere yet."

"But...but..."

"Don't 'but' me! You were not content as you were, so you'd better damn well be content now! At least _act_ content...your complaining is giving me a headache!"

The mirror wavered again, and Manwe was gone. Again. Without answering a single question. I was beginning to suspect that he was up to something.

"Milady..." Adranial called softly from the doorway. "Um, if you're done...your bath is ready."

"Did you see the guy in the mirror, Adranial? You heard him right? He didn't answer a single one of my questions! Freaking obstinate reflection! What is it with men in this world and stubbornness?"

"I saw no one, Milady...but I was drawing your bath...I'm sure _you_ saw him," she answered, obviously thinking I was one egg short of a dozen. "Your bath is ready..."

"Thanks, Adranial." No use getting into details with her...she already probably thought I was nuts. I sighed and heaved myself up following her into the bathroom where a huge, claw-footed tub awaited me, steaming and fragrant.

I have to admit that the bath was wonderful. I almost felt like a new person afterward. Of course, I _looked_ like a new person, so that was probably right. Adranial wrapped me in a lovely silk dressing robe and led me to the table, where she proceeded to fuss with my hair. Normally, my hair was kept short and fuss-free, mostly because I could barely manage tying a ponytail. I was grateful to have someone else deal with the mop Manwe had stuck to my head. Fascinated, I watched in the reflecting mirror as Adranial quickly combed, parted, and braided the front half of my hair, so that it kept away from my face, but left the back hanging free. She expertly entwined brightly colored ribbons and small flowers in the braids.

I smiled at my reflection when she finished. 'That is so beautiful, Adranial...I could _never_ do that!" I said truthfully.

She looked pleased at my small compliment, smiling, and turned away to the armoire. Opening it, she ran her hand over the dozen or so garments hanging there. She selected a lovely emerald green silk gown, with white lace inserts and trim.

"Um, Adranial...I've been having a slight problem with dresses, today. It seems that my...um..._assets_ keep trying to jump out of the bodice."

"Female Elves are usually not so well endowed, Milady," Adranial said, humor twinkling in her eyes. "But I am sure I can adjust this gown to suit you."

A short while later, I was pleasantly surprised to see that everything actually fit quite well. My boobs would probably still be the first thing anyone noticed about me, but I felt reasonably confident that they would stay where they should.

A knock came at the bedroom door. Adranial opened the door to find Legolas waiting.

He nodded at Adranial, and entered the room, immediately coming to stand before me. He was breathtaking, pure and simple. Dressed in a silver tunic and matching leggings, his mithril crown upon his satiny platinum hair, those soulful blue eyes...damn, he was doing it _again_!

'You look exquisite, Emmess," he began, taking my hand in his.

"You look nice yourself, Your Highness," I replied, deliberately putting the emphasis on the 'your highness' part to tick him off. I was not about to let him suck me in again. I was determined not to become some babbling hormone, like I did that afternoon.

"We should go...they are waiting for us to begin dinner," he said, seeming not to notice my jibe at his title. He offered me his arm, and walked me out of the room. I paused to thank Adranial again for her help.

Leading me to the balcony that overlooked the Great Hall, I stopped, amazed at the transformation that had taken place while I was in the bedroom. Nearly the entire hall had been set with tables and chairs, with a large area kept clear in the center - most likely as a dance floor. Each table was full with what I could assume to be the dignitaries Legolas had mentioned earlier. There were easily five hundred people in attendance. Music filled the air, and I spotted a quartet of musicians in a corner of the room, playing mandolins and flutes.

Legolas led me down the stairs, where we paused. To my surprise, the music stopped, and an Elf formally announced us to the room.  
  
"His Highness, Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, and the Lady Emmess," he called in a loud, clear voice.

Mortified, I allowed Legolas to lead me up the center of the room, while people all around us bowed and curtsied as we passed.

"I know they're showing their respect for your title," I whispered to Legolas, "but this is so embarrassing! Why didn't you warn me?"

"I really just didn't think of it, Emmess...this happens to me at every state function...sorry," he said, a small smile on his lips. He knew damn well that this was going to make me uncomfortable, and was enjoying every minute of it!

"Oh, and Emmess...when you are introduced to my father, the King, you really do need to curtsy," he whispered into my ear, brushing his lips against it. I took a deep breath and battled my hormones for a moment before answering.

"I don't know HOW to curtsy!" I hissed, embarrassed to admit it. "If you had told me earlier, I might have been able to have Adranial teach me...now I'll just make a fool of myself!"

'You'll be fine...just do what these other ladies are doing all around you," he said.

"I am really going to have to put a serious hurt on you when I get you alone, Legolas."

He merely chuckled, then tried to look serious as we approached the head table.

I knew his father immediately, and not just from the royal robes and crown. He was an older version of Legolas, right down to the intense blue eyes.

"Father, may I present the Lady Emmess," he began, taking hold of my elbow. "Lady Emmess, may I present His Majesty, King Thranduil of Mirkwood."

I took a deep breath, and dipped down into what I hoped would pass for a respectful curtsy. I realized that Legolas was holding on to my elbow so that I wouldn't tumble over. I made a mental note to thank him before I pummeled him later.

"Lovely, just lovely. Welcome to Mirkwood, Lady Emmess...I have heard much about you already," Thranduil said as I rose up from my sad attempt at a curtsy. "I have been told that you have been...er...keeping my son on his toes, today. Called him insufferable and pigheaded, I believe."

What do you say to a King who tells you that he knows you've been giving his son a hard time? I couldn't think of a blasted thing, but I know I turned absolutely scarlet. I wondered briefly whether they had yet invented the iron maiden or the rack.

"Thranduil...stop embarrassing the young lady! You should be ashamed," came a voice from next to Thranduil.

"I meant no harm, Gandalf. I'm sure the young lady knows this...we all know what my son can be like. I've called him that a few times myself!"

It was Legolas' turn to blush.

"Lady Emmess, may I present Gandalf, the White Wizard. Gandalf, the Lady Emmess."

I looked gratefully at the elderly wizard, resplendent in his gleaming white robes, and kind smile. "I'm most pleased to meet you, my dear. Manwe had told me much about you."

"Manwe? Do you know him? Can you please tell me..." I began, but was cut off by Legolas. I promised myself that I would find a way to speak with the wizard later.

"Emmess, please meet Elrond, Lord of Rivendell."

I was caught up in innumerable introductions. I recognized many of the names from the Lord of the Rings books and movies. Frodo, Samwise, Peregrin, Meriadoc, Aragorn, Arwen, Faramir, Eowyn...the list went on and on.

Legolas finally led me to a seat at the head table. As the food was brought out, I realized that I hadn't eaten at all that day, and was positively starving. The wizard, and my questions, would have to wait until after dinner.


	7. Dirty Dancing

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** What's this I hear about you and Gimli doing the horizontal hula? **Me:** We did not! **Legolas:** That's not what Gimli says. **Me:** Who are you going to believe, him or me? **Legolas:** He _is_ my best friend...**Me:** In the next chapter I am going to strip you naked, cover you in honey, and tie you to an anthill. **Legolas:** Kinky.

**Chapter 7**

**Dirty Dancing**

**D**inner was a sumptuous affair, consisting of several courses. I ate until I was sure my seams would split, then ate a bit more for good measure. Wine and ale flowed like water. I, myself had two or three glasses of wine.

Legolas sat to my right. To his immediate right was his father, King Thranduil. To my left sat Aragorn, King of Gondor, and his wife Arwen, who was the daughter of Elrond of Rivendell. Conversation was centered mainly on the recently fought War, and the disposal of the One Ring. Luckily for me, I knew the basics of what had gone on, and was able to follow the conversation. Gimli was seated on the other side of Gandalf, but made a point of stopping by me to say hello.

"Ye look loverly, Emmess. I knew ye'd clean up nicely," he said, patting my arm.

"You look very nice, also, Gimli," I replied in kind, noting that he had combed and oiled his beard for the occasion.

"Remember Lass, if he gives ye a hard time tonight," Gimli said, nodding at Legolas, "ye just come to me! I'll rap him upside the head with me axe handle."

"Thanks, Gimli," I laughed, "but I think I can handle him. Nice of you to offer, though."

"You two do realize that I'm sitting right here, don't you?" Legolas asked, raising his brow.

"This is a private conversation, if you don't mind," I sniffed, turning away slightly, but winking at Gimli. Legolas sighed, and stuffed a forkful of chicken into his mouth.

I got into a discussion of the Elven language with Aragorn. I was surprised to find out that everyone was speaking Westron, including myself. Evidently, Manwe had included some kind of internal translator when he was redesigning my body. I also learned that most names had meanings in Elvish.

"For example," Aragorn lectured, "_'Arwen'_ means 'noble maiden,' and _'Elrond'_ means 'Elf of the Cave."

"That's so interesting...tell me, Aragorn, what does '_Legolas_' mean?" I asked. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Legolas shaking his head and waving his arms frantically at Aragorn from behind me.

Aragorn grinned broadly. "It means 'Greenleaf.'"

"Greenleaf?" I turned to face Legolas, my mouth turned up in a smirk. "Your name means Greenleaf? That makes you _Greenleaf Greenleaf_?" I snorted madly into my napkin, as a blush crept up Legolas' cheeks.

"Aragorn, remind me to pound you severely after dinner," Legolas spat, blushing even more.

"It was his mother's idea," Thranduil told me, smiling himself. "She wanted something easy to remember."

"That would do it, I suppose," I giggled.

"You're a fine one to talk, _Emmess_," Legolas said, "What exactly does _that_ mean, anyway?"

"If you must know...my parents were torn between two names. I was going to be either Mary, after my maternal grandmother, or Sue, after my paternal grandmother. Being the kind of parents they were, they simply combined the two and shortened it to the initials only. Mary Sue...M S...Emmess. Get it?" I answered, steeling myself for the laughter I was sure would follow.

"Sounds like a good, practical solution to me," Thranduil said, taking a sip of wine, and earning a place on my good side. "Aragorn, tell us of the reconstruction work at Minas Tirith," he continued, changing the subject.

**T**he final course had been served, and servants cleared the tables of dishes and silver. The musicians took up their instruments and began to play a lively melody. People rose from their chairs and stepped to the cleared center space to dance.

Merry and Pippin jumped up on a tabletop and began to sing and dance. Frodo and Sam stopped by on their way to join them. "Emmess," Frodo cried, grabbing my hand and trying to drag me from my seat, "come sing with us!" I noticed that everyone else was smiling and nodding.

"Oh, no, Frodo! I couldn't possibly! I couldn't carry a tune with two hands and a basket! But thank you very much. I'm content to watch and listen," I said, smiling at him..

It was easy to smile at the Hobbits. They obviously enjoyed life so much, and they sang and danced up a storm.

The musicians began to play another song, this one much slower than the last.

"May I have this dance, Emmess?" asked Legolas, rising from his chair and holding out his hand for mine.

I stood, and whispered in his ear, "I don't know how to dance like that, Legolas...please do not make me do this. This is not like a curtsy that I can fake..."

"I will teach you...you will be fine," he answered, leading me onto the dance floor despite my attempts to pull away and flee.

He placed one of my hands on his broad shoulder, took the other in his hand, and placed his left arm around my waist. Before I knew it, I was floating around the dance floor, completely lost in his eyes. For once, be it because of the wine or the music, I found that I didn't care one whit and just enjoyed the ride. Not surprisingly, I was disappointed when the dance ended.

"Will you walk with me, awhile, Emmess? I have a need for fresh air," Legolas asked, still holding tight to my hand.

'Air sounds good," I replied, feeling flushed, and not just from the dancing. Being this close to him was wreaking havoc with my circulatory system.

He led me outside the Hall, into a small garden lit by moonlight. We stood silently, breathing the fresh air and flowery fragrance of the garden. He turned to look at me, the moonlight making him nearly glow.

Taking both my hands in his, he stared at me. Once again, I felt his incredible eyes draw me in, this time holding me there. I couldn't pull away, and surprised myself by not really wanting to.

He let go of one hand and reached up to brush a stray hair from my face, letting his hand linger on my cheek.

"I desperately want to kiss you, Emmess..." he said softly, "will you allow it?"

"Gup," I said. "Gup? What the hell is 'gup?' Oh, God, I can't even make real words anymore!" I thought to myself. Then all thoughts left me as his soft, full lips met mine.

It was the kind of kiss that curls your toes in your shoes. Soft and gentle, but laced with passion; lasting forever and not nearly long enough at the same time.

He drew back, searching my eyes for some signal that he should stop or continue. A small smile played on his lips for a moment, before he lowered his head again, this time using his tongue to seek entrance.

Our mouths created a fire that quickly engulfed us; my hands entwined in his hair; his hands crushed me to him.

Finally pulling back, he paused, then held me from him, breathing heavily.

"What's wrong?" I managed to ask, touching his face lightly.

"If I do not stop now, Emmess, I fear I will not be able to later..."

'Perhaps I don't _want_ you to stop..." I breathed, running my hand up his chest.

He shook his head slowly, sighing. "You do not understand...there are things I have not told you."

"Like what? What could be so horrible? You're married? You used to be a woman? What?" I asked, suddenly impatient.

He looked me in the eyes, holding both my hands in his. Taking a deep breath he said, "Emmess...I am the reason you are here."

"I know...Manwe wanted me to be your date tonight."

"No, Emmess...I am the reason Manwe came to you in the first place. I am the reason you look the way you do. I am the reason he would not send you back. I made a wish, Emmess. I implored Manwe to find the perfect woman for me. I did not ask for a simple date, Emmess...I asked for a wife."


	8. Psycho

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I _knew_ you wanted me! **Me:** Calm yourself, Elfboy...it was just a kiss. **Legolas**: Just a kiss my Elven _ass_! That was NOT _just_ a kiss...we were _tongue_ wrestling back there! **Me:** Gup.

**Chapter 8**

**Psycho**

"You did **_WHAT_**?" I screamed, pushing him back with both hands. "Wait a minute...wait a minute...let me get this straight. _YOU_ made some kind of dumbass _WISH _and Manwe sent you _ME_ all tied up in a pretty package?"

"Emmess, please...I cannot tell you how sorry I am," Legolas replied, trying to take hold of my hands again. I pulled away from him as if he had something catching.

"Not a _chance_, buster! What kind of moron makes a wish like that anyway? Wish for money? Yeah. Wish for fame? Okay. Wish for world peace? Absolutely. Wish for some poor, defenseless, clueless woman to get transported to an alternate universe and stuck inside a body that doesn't remotely resemble her own so that you can _get a little_? Not on your _life_, you pointy-eared, braided-haired BABOON!" I howled nearly purple with rage. "You knew all along! You _knew_ Manwe was not going to send me back! You _knew_...wait a minute...do you mean to tell me that you specifically _asked_ for me to look like this? You asked for _THESE_?" I yelled, pointing at the girls, who had behaved themselves so nicely all evening. "You perverted _ASS_! Do you have any idea of the trouble these things have given me? You say that _you're_ sorry? _I'm_ the one who's sorry - _sorry_ I ever laid eyes on you!" I shrieked, poking him in the chest - and we all know how much he _hated_ that.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Legolas yelled back, completely losing his composure, his eyes glowing red. I would have said that he was magnificent in his fury, if I hadn't been completely insane at the time. "Exactly just _who_ do you think you are, speaking to me like that? AND STOP POKING ME! I've done nothing but try to make you happy since you got here! I don't know WHAT Manwe was thinking, but he made a HUGE mistake thinking that YOU would be the answer to _my_ prayer! You _can't_ ride a horse, you _can't_ curtsy, you _can't_ sing, you _can't_ dance...I seriously doubt if there is anything that you CAN do besides scream like a _banshee_. And as far as all that 'poor defenseless, clueless' stuff goes, an Orc would run fleeing from your mouth! The _CLUELESS_ part I understand, though! Besides, Manwe would never have picked you if you hadn't been unhappy with your life! He did you a _favor_ by..."

"A _FAVOR_? Oh, this just gets better and better by the minute! You know what? I'm stuck here? FINE. I'm stuck looking like this? FINE! I'm stuck with a pair of boobs that could float a battleship? **_FINE_**! I'll make the best of a bad situation...with SOMEONE ELSE!" I cried, turning on my heel and stomping back into the Great Hall, leaving him standing alone in the garden.

**G**imli was deep in conversation with Faramir when I marched back through the Great Hall. One look at my face told him all he needed to know.

"Oi! He told her. The Lad doesn't know when to keep his big yap shut!" he said to Faramir, his eyes following me in my irate progression up the stairs to my room. "I better go see if I can pick up whatever pieces she's left and put him back together again."

He left Faramir, who was looking extremely confused, and made his way outside. Spotting Legolas walking swiftly toward the stables, he called out after him.

"Laddie! Legolas, hold up!" he called, running as quickly as his short legs would carry him. Legolas never looked back, and by the time Gimli found him, he was saddling his horse.

"Just where do ye think yer going, Laddie?" Gimli asked, puffing for breath.

"Away," Legolas replied in a clipped, angry voice.

"And where would that be?" Gimli asked, trying to unbuckle the saddle straps, even as Legolas fastened them.

"Anywhere but here."

"Laddie...laddie, " Gimli said, compassion in his eyes, tugging on Legolas sleeve. "Ye cannot run from this..."

'Why not? What does it matter? She doesn't want me. She doesn't want anything to _do_ with me! You didn't hear the horrible things she said to me! You didn't see the way she looked at me...as if I was an _Orc_! " Legolas spat. He stopped, sighing, and leaned his head against his horse. "You didn't hear the awful things _I_ said to _her_. What would you have me do? Live here, seeing her every day, knowing how much she hates me for bringing her here?"

"She doesn't hate you, Laddie...she's just angry and confused right now, and rightfully so! Try putting yerself in her shoes for a moment. She just needs some time to adjust - that's all..." Gimli said, putting his hand on Legolas' arm. "She's not a bad sort, you know. She'll come around..."

"The only think she'll come around with is a sword to run me through!'

'Nonsense, Laddie. Give her some time..."

"She said she was going to find someone else, Gimli! I could not bear to see that!"

"Since when have ye become such a wussy baby? I thought ye were a _warrior_!" Gimli shouted, punching him on the arm in an effort to snap Legolas out of his melancholy mood.

"What are you saying, Dwarf? I _am_ a warrior!" Legolas snarled, his dignity insulted.

"Then _fight_ fer her, Laddie," Gimli replied softly, smiling because he got just the reaction he had hoped for. "If ye believe she be worth fighting for..."

Legolas looked down at his friend, then over toward the Great Hall.

His expression shifted into a look of resolve. "Aye," he said, "she is worth fighting for...and _two_ can play at this game!"

Gimli was a little afraid of the smile that touched Legolas' lips as he turned and walked back toward the Great Hall leaving Gimli alone with the horse.


	9. Some Like It Hot

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** What's _with_ this story? One minute we're doing the tonsil tango, and the next we're screaming bloody murder at each other! Make up your mind!" **Me:** My entire existence serves just one purpose - to make you insane. **Legolas:** You're doing a bang up job of it, so far. **Me:** Hee, hee.

Chapter 9 

**Some Like It Hot**

I reached my room in record time, since everyone in my path who saw the expression on my face gave me a wide berth. Even Adranial took two steps back when I blew into the room, slamming the door behind me.

"Milady...whatever is wrong?" she asked warily, making sure to keep several feet of space between us.

"Nothing! _Everthing_!" I cried, standing in the middle of the room, sputtering, with my hands clenched at my side. "I just need to be alone for a while."

"As you wish, Milady..." Adranial curtsied, and swiftly left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

Alone at last, the anger I had felt drained out, replaced by an overwhelming bleakness. I leaned against the wall, slowing sliding down to sit in a heap on the cold stone floor. Hugging my knees, the tears came at last, sobs wrenching my chest.

I didn't understand why I was crying. I should be angry, like I was just a few moments ago. I should be throwing things around the room, destroying everything within reach. I should be screaming at the top of my lungs for Manwe - cursing him, cursing Legolas, cursing _everything_ and _everyone_ in this misbegotten world. Instead, here I was, reduced to a weepy pile of hormones, blubbering into my skirt.

It occurred to my that perhaps I had blown the best thing that had ever happened to me. It also occurred to me that I no longer seemed to have any control over my life. It _also_ occurred to my that I was completely alone in this place, without any resources, home, or kin. I was a pauper.

Eventually, the sobs subsided to erratic hiccups, though the tears still streamed down my face to drip off my chin onto my skirt.

An insistent knocking sounded at the door. I ignored it, not wanting to see or speak to anyone ever again. I just wanted to stay curled on the floor until I died. Which would be shortly from dehydration if the tears didn't stop soon.

The knocking continued, becoming louder. "GO AWAY!" I yelled, finally annoyed enough to find my voice.

My head was buried in my skirt, but I heard the door open and someone step into the room. "I said to go away. Please just leave me alone!" my skirt-muffled voice said.

"Hmmm. I don't believe that it is customary for a guest to order the King from a room in his own house..."

"Oh, no...not his father!" I thought to myself, wondering what the penalty was for calling the son of the King a "perverted ass."

I felt a finger lift my chin from my skirt. Looking up, I found myself staring into the eyes of King Thranduil. The eyes that looked back at me were filled with compassion, and a touch of humor.

"Surely you're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" He asked with a half smile. "I had the impression that you were stronger than that."

"Your Majesty...he...I..." Helpless to stop them, the tears continued to slide down my cheeks. I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve, and sniffed loudly. "I don't belong here..."

Thranduil handed me a large square of silk, which I used to blow my nose. Like a trumpet.

"Sitting here crying will not solve anything, you know. I understand that you are, er..._stranded_ here in Mirkwood, through no fault of your own. Therefore, it is my decree that you be given residency. My house is now _your_ house, until such time, if any, that you no longer require it.

"Know this, Lady Emmess...my son often thinks only with his heart, instead of his head. I feel certain that he meant no harm in his plea to Manwe. Still, this is no excuse for either Manwe's actions, or Legolas' since you arrived. He should have been truthful with you from the start. As King, and as Legolas' father, I tell you that you are in no way bound to him. You are free to make your own decisions, and your own choices. Now, wash your face, and come downstairs...the party continues! And that, my dear Lady Emmess, is the order of the King!"

He helped me to stand, smiled again, and left the room. I thought to myself that things could have gone much worse. I was very lucky that the King happened to be such a nice man, er...Elf.

I went to the basin in the bathroom, and splashed cold water on my face. Sitting at the dressing table, I looked into the reflecting glass, searching for some sign of Manwe, but he was not to found. "Big shocker, there," I thought. "Coward!" I yelled at the mirror.

As I sat staring at my reflection through my puffy, bloodshot eyes, the anger began to return. King Thranduil was right. I absolutely could NOT let Legolas get away with ruining my life. I also could NOT, under any circumstances, let he and Manwe make life-altering decisions for me. Wife, indeed! _I_ was the _only_ master of my destiny, and _I_ was the _only_ one who would decide _when_, _if_, and _who_ I would marry. Firming my resolve, I decided that I was going to 'pretty up,' march downstairs, and flirt with everything in pants.

A short while later, I checked my reflection again. The eyes were back to normal, and I practiced batting them a few times. Flirting was never my strong suit, but I supposed I would pass muster. It also helped that I had loosened the back ties on my dress, freeing the girls to bounce a bit more. Hey, if ya got 'em, flaunt 'em. At least when it serves your purpose.

I paused at the head of the stairs, looking down at the Great Hall, seeking my first victim. Ah...there - that pair of tall, dark haired Elves standing near the punch bowl. A two-fer! Excellent...

I descended the stairs with what I hoped was regal bearing, and sashayed - yes, I actually _sashayed_ - over to where the two Elves were standing, dipping their cups into the punch.

"Hi," I said, in what I had hoped would be a smoky, husky voice. To my ears, I sounded like a frog. I winced, cleared my throat, and tried again. "Hi, I'm Emmess," I said, beaming a bright smile.

The Elves turned to look at me. They were twins! Identical twins! How fun. Identical slow smiles crept onto their identical, handsome faces. Their gray eyes sparkled as they looked at me. Or rather, as they looked at _my _twins.

"Lady Emmess," said one twin, taking my hand and brushing his lips against it, "I am Elrohir. This is my brother Elladan. We are the sons of Elrond of Rivendell...it is a _pleasure_ to meet you."

Ellandan, took my other hand and brought it to his lips. Neither twin relinquished their hold on my hands after sufficiently slobbering on them.

"Perhaps one of you charming gentlemen would be so kind as to get me a glass of punch?" I asked, batting my eyes like crazy.

"Do you have something in your eye?" Elrohir asked, looked at me askance. "Perhaps I should fetch our father...he is a healer."

"No!" I answered quickly. Two Elves I could handle, but three? All in the same family? That sounded way too weird, even for me. I made a mental note to stop batting the damn eyes. I must have looked like I was having a seizure. "I'm fine, now. Really....about that punch...?"

"Immediately, Milady," Elladan said, finally dropping my hand and turning to the punch. He handed me a glass, brimming with a dark red liquid.

"I was told by Ada...my father...that it was Legolas who brought you here this evening, and yet I do not see him. Should I have been your escort, I would not have left your side for an instant!" Elrohir stated, smiling a very charming smile.

"Legolas can go jump in a lake, as far as I'm concerned," I replied, doing the hair flip thing. "I speak to whom I please, and it pleases me to be speaking to the two of you, right now."

The twins exchanged a look, whose meaning was not lost on me at all. Their identical smiles grew into grins. I took a sip of the punch, and found it to be exceedingly strong. My face must have shown my surprise, because the brothers laughed.

"We thought the punch was rather drab...so we...um...enhanced it!" Elladan laughed, showing me a small brown bottle hidden in his waistcoat.

I laughed along, privately thinking that I had picked two winners.

"Tell me of Rivendell, " I asked, arching my back a bit. "I have never been there, but I have been told by Aragorn that it is magnificent."

"I will tell you as we dance, if you will do me the honor," Elrohir answered, holding out his arm. I saw a frown fleet across Elladan's face as his brother beat him to the punch.

"I would love to dance, though I fear I may step on your toes," I softly giggled, arching a bit more. "If Elladan will agree to partner me for the next song...?"

"Aye," Elladan said, grinning once again.

Elrohir led me to the dance floor, where he proceeded to sweep me around and around in a whirling dervish. It may have been that the punch was even stronger than I had thought, because the small amount I had drunk was having a definite effect. I was starting to sweat like a sumo wrestler.

"Oh, my stars!" I exclaimed, trying to remain Lady-like, "Does it seem rather warm in here?"

"Would you care for some fresh air, Lady Emmess?" Elrohir asked. "There is a garden just outside that you might like..."

Drunk as I was, I remembered what had happened the last time I was in that garden.

"No...I'm sure I'll be just fine..." I murmured, giving him a smile. I thought to myself that he was, indeed, a handsome Elf...and so was his brother, obviously. They were twins. Two peas in a pod. Two good to be true. Two Towers...ooops. I realized fleetingly that I was hammered.

I barely remember the rest of the conversation, and I don't remember dancing with Elladan at all. The next thing I do remember was sitting in a chair near the wall of the room, with three dark haired Elves bending over me.

"What did you two put in the punch?" asked the elder of the three.

"Ada...it was only a few drops of Elvenmead..."

"Oi! I should have known better than to let the two of you out of my sight! This poor child is completely wasted! You should know that those of Men cannot consume Elvenmead without dire consequences. She is going to be a very sorry, hurting young woman tomorrow, and it is all your fault."

"We'll put her to bed, Ada..."

"Do I look stupid to you? You will not go anywhere near her room this night!" Elrond hissed. "I'll put her to bed myself. You two had better say your farewells...I'm sending you back to Rivendell first thing in the morning!"

A pair of intense blue eyes watched the entire scene unfold from a dark corner of the room.

"So, ye have taken to lurking in shadows now, Laddie," Gimli asked from behind Legolas.

"I...um...just didn't feel like dancing just yet," Legolas replied, embarrassed at being caught spying. It had been his plan to flirt and woo whichever Elleth he met first, but he had been frozen when he saw Emmess approach Elrond's twins. Jealously had kept him rooted to the spot, watching her dance with someone other than himself.

"I should wring both their necks...letting her drink Elvenmead..."

"Ye know those two...they never stop to think before they pull one of their pranks!" Gimli laughed. "She'll be alright. A little headache in the morning, that's all."

"Little? The last time Aragorn drank Elvenmead he was unconscious for three days! When he finally woke, he asked me to put an arrow through him and end his misery."

"Well, perhaps you can end HER misery when she wakes..." Gimli chuckled, "and I don't mean the misery caused by the mead!"

Legolas glared at him. "If you are saying that I should go crawling back to her and apologize, you're daft, Dwarf!"

"I mean that it may be your opportunity to get back on her good side by being there to help her when she needs it, you pointy eared blockhead!" Gimli said, giving Legolas a shove.

"Not a chance. She got herself into this mess...she can bloody well suffer her way out! It's her own fault for sidling up to those two!" he shouted, stalking away.

Gimli shook his head, and watched his friend stamp off toward the punchbowl. Turning, he caught sight of Elrond carrying Emmess up the stairs to her room.


	10. Patton

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elrohir:** What the _hell_ was that? **Elladan:** Yeah! We get 10 seconds with the girl, and _daddy_ sends us home? We're 2,000 freaking years old, for God's sake.

Chapter 10 

**Patton**

The first thing I became aware of was bright light shining behind my eyelids. The second was the sledgehammer that was insistently pounding on my skull.

"Oh, my blessed head!" I moaned, wincing at the volume of my own voice. "What hit me?"

"Two nitwit brothers, whom I have the dubious honor of calling my sons."

I cracked open an eye, shielding it from the light with my hand, to see Elrond sitting quietly by my bedside.

"The punch? Oh, God...the punch! They said they spiked it," I said, closing my eye. "What the hell did they spike it with? I only had a sip!"

"Elvenmead. It has a notorious reputation for NOT agreeing with those of Men."

I groaned, and tried to open my eyes. Bad idea. The light sliced through them like knives and I quickly closed them again.

"What time is it?"

"Nearly noon."

"I've slept half the day away?"

"You have slept three and a half days away."

"Oh, _brother_...have you been here the entire time?" I asked him, still not willing to open my eyes to the light.

"Indeed. I couldn't very well leave you alone in this state, now could I? Especially since it was _my_ spawn who put you there," Elrond replied. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Thanks. Guess I made a great impression my first night here," I said, covering my eyes with my hands. I tried peeking through my fingers, but the light hurt too much.

"Nonsense. You were quite ladylike all evening," he stated, then murmured something under his breath.

"Sorry...didn't catch that last part. Would you mind speaking up?" I asked.

"I said, tell me what you remember of that night."

I knew that couldn't have been what he said, or he wouldn't have whispered it, but I didn't want to press. "I remember you telling the twins that they had to go back to Rivendell...I remember someone carrying me up the stairs to my room...I remember...OH GOD!" I pulled the covers up over my head.

"Yes...well, just to let you know...you kiss very well, young lady. However, you should also know that that is all it was...I put you on the bed and you commenced to snore - quite loudly, as I recall," he chuckled. I could hear him rise from his seat. "I'll take my leave now. You'll be fine. Have some breakfast -or lunch as the case may be - and try not to do anything strenuous today."

I heard the door close, and knew I was alone.

"Please, someone just kill me now. _Only_ me. It could _only_ happen to me. I make a pass at twin brothers, and wind up making out with their _father_! Freud would have a field day with this."

Cautiously, I tried opening my eyes again. This time I was able to withstand the light pouring in from the windows. Hearing the door open, I turned my head - painfully - and saw Adranial slip inside, quietly closing the door behind her.

"Milady," she said softly, "Lord Elrond has sent me to help you."

"Adranial, please...let me apologize for last night. I was rude, and you certainly didn't deserve it. I am _so_ sorry," I said. I _was_ ashamed of my behavior toward the Elf girl who had only been sweet and helpful to me.

"Think nothing of it, Milady. I understand completely. Elves are often not the easiest creatures to love," she said, smiling at me.

"Love? Love _who_? Oh, no...you've got it _all_ wrong! I don't _love_ anyone. Don't even _think_ it! That is NOT what happened!" wincing as the volume of my voice went up.

"As you say, Milady...as you say," Adranial acquiesced. She still had a very small annoying smile on her face, though. "Shall I ready your bath, Milady? It will make you feel better. Then, after some breakfast, Lord Elrond has left a packet of herbs for you to take. He is a renown healer..."

"Thank you, Adranial. I don't know what I would do without you," I replied, painfully nodding my head, doubting I would _ever_ feel better again. "Elrond," I thought, "I freaking kissed him. Wasn't he like 7,000 years old? Ugh. Well, at least he said I was a good kisser. It would have really been pathetic if a 7,000 year old Elf said you blew the big cheese.

I was nibbling on a piece of bread that Adranial had called 'lembas' when a knock came at the door. Adranial opened it, and stepped aside for someone to enter.

A tall - well, they were _all_ tall - blonde Elf entered the room. He had a military bearing, standing ramrod straight in his jerkin and leggings, feet apart, his hands behind his back. Looking at me, he bowed formally. I noticed that Adranial had quietly left the room.

"Milady, I am Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien. I have been requested by King Thranduil to be your escort for the day," he said in a deep voice.

"Oh, I...well, I'm not sure that I'm up to being escorted anywhere at the moment," I said, still feeling the horrendous throbbing in my skull.

"I am aware of the circumstances which have befallen you, Milady. Lord Elrond has informed me that you are to take the herbs he has prepared, and that you will feel much better shortly thereafter. I will await you downstairs in the Great Hall," he replied aristocratically. His tone brook no opposition, and he gave me another bow before he left the room.

"Great. _Another_ one used to giving orders...just what I need." I sighed, and picked up the packet of herbs, sniffing the contents. Ewww. It smelled like old fish and mothballs. I looked up as Adranial came back into the room.

"I have to eat this?" I asked her, wrinkling my nose.

"Great Eru, no!" Adranial laughed, taking the packet from me. She poured the contents into a small dish. Using a long, thin stick, she caught an ember from one of the oil lamps, and set the stinking heap on fire. "Breathe in the fumes, Milady. It will free you from your pain," she instructed.

I did as she ordered, and was surprised to find that, several minutes later, I was, indeed, pain free. But I was sure I would not be able to get the stench out my nose for days.

Adranial selected a lovely blue dress for me, made from some shimmery material I couldn't place. The sleeves were long, flared and graceful, with subtle silver designs etched throughout the yards of fabric. I gratefully noticed that she made sure the twins were securely bundled in.

"His Lordship Haldir awaits you downstairs in the Great Hall, Milady. You should not keep him waiting too long," she said, as she finished brushing and braiding my hair. Today, a single golden ribbon ran through the braids.

"Thank you, Adranial. For everything..."

"You are most welcome, Milady."

As I descended the stairs, I spotted Haldir waiting near the bottom. He held out his arm as I reached the bottom stair, expecting me to take it.

Taking his arm, I looked up at his face. He was a handsome Elf (weren't they all - so far I hadn't seen an ugly one), with an aquiline nose, and strong chin. I smiled at him, and asked, "So, where are we off to?"

"His Majesty has suggested that I show you the archery range, Milady."

"My name is Emmess. I don't know how to...um...arch."

"Shoot. You shoot a bow, Milady," he replied, not cracking a smile.

"My name is Emmess, Haldir," I repeated, frowning up at him.

"Yes, Milady. So you have said. Twice."

"Why are you still calling me Milady, then?"

"It would not be proper to call you otherwise," he said, looking down his nose at me.

"Fine. Be that way," I said, turning my nose up at him. "Great," I thought, "Last night I get stuck with the Prankster Twins and their ancient old man, and today I get Snob-boy. Terrific."

He walked me out of the Great Hall, and toward a field not far away. Targets had been set up on the far end of the field, and Elves were firing arrows at them. Watching for a while, it seemed to me that they never missed.

Haldir showed me his bow, explaining the various parts, and explained about the pounds of pull, and how to calculate them. Fascinating. Really. He showed me his arrows, and explained the process of making them, including the fundamentals of length and balance. Enthralling. Really. I don't know if I did an admirable job of acting as though I found his every word insightful and thrilling, but at least, I didn't yawn in his face.

I watched him shoot an arrow, landing it exactly in the center of the bullseye at the far end of the field. Nice.

Suddenly, from my right, I saw two arrows sink into the target next to his, at the very same time. Okay, now _that_ was impressive.

Looking over to my right to see who the archer was, my jaw dropped when I saw Legolas standing next to us, looking extremely arrogant. He did not look at me, but was staring at Haldir.

I looked back at Haldir, who was staring back, and frowning. For all his uppity ways, I think he was mighty ticked off at being shown up in front of me.

Selecting two arrows, he fit them in his bow, and let them fly at the same time. They each landed in the bullseye of two _different_ targets. Now, that was _really_ impressive.

_Thwunk_. I looked to the right, and saw three arrows sticking out of the bullseye of Legolas' target. Wow. As angry as I still was at him, I had to admit, the boy could shoot.

Haldir snorted. "Legolas...quite the little marksman."

"Haldir...still trying to best me, I see."

"Milady," Haldir said, finally addressing me. For a moment I had thought they'd both forgotten I existed. "It is time to go." He offered me his arm. I took it, and as we walked away I risked a glance at Legolas. He was frowning, watching us, but quickly turned away when he noticed me.

"Milady, I will escort you to dinner this evening," Haldir said curtly, as he led me back to my room. "Till we meet again." Another formal bow, and he was gone.

"Talk about your uptight, uppity Elves..." I thought as the door closed behind me. "Somebody needs to take the stick out of that boy's ass." Still, it had pleased me to see how much Legolas obviously _hated_ me being with Haldir. Dinner might prove to be an interesting affair.


	11. Raging Bull

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** Remove the _stick_ from my ass? Lady, you're picking on the _wrong_ Elf. By the way, F.Y.I., I can outshoot Legoboy any day of the week. **Legolas:** The _hell_ you can. _Nobody_ can outshoot me. **Haldir:** Legs, you're starting to believe your own publicity. **Legolas: **Listen, you trumped up majorette, _everybody_ knows that I'm the best archer! **Me:** Elf Fight! Elf Fight! **Haldir:** Author, you aren't very mature, are you? **Legolas:** I figured _that_ out about 9 chapters ago. **Me:** Are you kidding? A steel-cage match between _you_ two? I could sell tickets.

Chapter 11 

**Raging Bull**

Haldir looked resplendent in his dark blue tunic when he arrived to escort me to dinner. I have to admit it - he was a fine looking Elf, if a little stiff. All right, a LOT stiff. Still, he _was_ put together very nicely.

Adranial had dressed me in a dark green velvet-like gown, with embroidered trim. I had never been much of a clotheshorse, but I was really getting to like the whole "dressing for dinner" thing. I guess I was getting used to wearing skirts all the time. Funny how things like that can grow on you.

Haldir did the "bowing" thing again (I wondered briefly how they didn't all end up with back problems from all the kow-towing they did around here), and held his arm out for me.

"Nice dress," he said, as we walked out the door of my room.

"Oh, Haldir, how you _do_ go on!" I replied sarcastically. The boy wasn't really much on words, was he? I received a droll look in return.

"You look very nice, tonight," I said, in an effort to continue the conversation. I had had visions of us sitting in total stony silence throughout the entire meal. "Tell me, Haldir, exactly what _is_ a March Warden, anyway?"

"I, along with my brothers, am a warrior of Lothlorien. It is our responsibility to keep the Golden Wood safe and secure from intruders," was his curt reply.

I looked up to see the reserved expression on his face, and sighed. 'You don't really want to be escorting me anywhere, do you, Haldir?" I asked softly. I had suddenly realized that Thranduil had most likely, forced him into this. I wasn't very quick on the uptake, you know. "It's okay...really. I understand..."

"Nonsense. Why do women always think that if an Elf is not gushing all over them, then the Elf must wish he were somewhere else?" he asked brusquely, looking down at me. "It is true that I was requested to accompany you by King Thranduil, but that does not mean that I am here against my will."

"Fair enough," I said, looking up at him. "I don't expect you to _gush_, Haldir, but a little conversation would be nice. Getting you to talk is like pulling teeth."

For the first time, I got a smile. It was a guarded, half-smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"So I have been told, Milady."

"That's another thing, Haldir. Do you think you could possibly call me by my name? It's frustrating to be called by a title all the time."

"Forgive me. It is not in my nature to be so informal, but I will try...Emmess."

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" I smiled, feeling a bit more comfortable around him. I received that little half-smile in return.

We descended down into the Great Hall, where once again tables had been set for dinner. I noticed that there were far fewer tables set - evidently many of the guests that had been in attendance the first night had left.

Haldir led me to the head table, where King Thranduil sat, along with Elrond, Gandalf, Aragorn, and Arwen. I noticed that Legolas' place was empty. I wondered whether he would show up for dinner.

Haldir bowed deeply to Thranduil, and I managed a curtsy without falling over. Thranduil smiled at me, complimented my gown, and asked after my well being.

"I am much better, Your Majesty, thanks to Lord Elrond." I blushed a little, remembering our encounter from the first night. Elrond just sat there with an amused smile on his face.

Haldir and I sat at the table just in front and to the left of the head table. Our tablemates were the Hobbits - Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry - and Gimli.

"Well," I thought, looking at them with a smile, "Haldir may not be much on words, but with these guys at the table, I doubt that conversation will be a problem."

"Lassie! Good to see ye again," Gimli grinned. "How be ye? I heard that Elrond's knuckle-headed twins gave ye a problem..."

"I'm fine, Gimli...I'm sure they didn't think to make me sick on purpose..."

"That'd be the problem with those two...they _never_ think," he laughed. He looked at Haldir and said, "March Warden! What brings ye here tonight?"

"Likely the same as you, Dwarf. Food."

"Argh. Conversation with you is impossible! Can ye not be sociable for one evening?"

"Dwarves. Always running on at the mouth."

"Egads." I thought, "No love lost between these two, I guess."

"Did you see the new trees in the arbor yet, Miss Emmess?" Sam asked me, trying to diffuse the hostility between Gimli and Haldir. "The Elves have transplanted a grove of mallorn trees from Lothlorien. They are at their most beautiful this time of year."

"No, I haven't yet, Sam. Perhaps you could take me to see them tomorrow."

"Certainly, Miss Emmess!"

The Hobbit was so cute and excited about the trees; I couldn't help but smile.

Servants had just brought out the first course - vegetable soup of some sort - when I noticed a disturbance in the back of the room. Someone was walking up the aisle, and guests were bowing and curtsying.

"_Legolas_," I thought, rising along with the rest of my table. I curtsied, as he passed but he didn't even glance in my direction.

I looked at him, though. The first thing I noticed was that he looked positively gorgeous, dressed in a golden tunic and matching leggings, his hair flowing down his back. The second thing I noticed was that he wasn't alone.

He was escorting an Elf maiden; her arm securely tucked in his. She was breathtakingly beautiful - tall and slim, fair-skinned, with honey-blonde tresses, dressed in a gauzy, pale lavender gown. She looked at him with lovesick eyes and I felt a wave of anger course through me. He escorted her up to meet his father, and they took their places at the head table. Not once did he spare me a single look.

I could have just _spit_.

"Milady...er...Emmess, are you alright?" Haldir asked me, seeing the look on my face.

"Huh? Oh, yes, Haldir...I'm fine. Just ducky," I replied, forcing myself to smile. The reality was that I was anything _but_ fine. I was extremely confused, angry, and a deep ache was developing in my chest.

I couldn't understand my reaction to seeing Legolas with the gorgeous blonde. "I'm pissed at him, remember? The _wish_? The _wife_? The not telling me the whole truth when I got here? I didn't want to be with him! This Elf chick has nothing to do with it...why do I feel like I want to scratch her Elven eyes out? Why do I feel like I can't breathe?"

I risked a peek at the head table. Legolas and his escort had their heads close together, talking and smiling. I thought for a moment that I might throw up.

"Oh, God," I thought, the light bulb finally going off over my dimwitted head, "I love him. I've fallen in love, and I blew it! I'm such a _moron_! I was too busy being petty and plotting some kind of stupid, unwarranted, harebrained revenge to notice. It's too late now...he'll never want to speak to me again after the way I acted. He won't even _look_ at me. I don't exist for him anymore...especially now that he has Miss Elven Universe to cuddle up to!" I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes.

"Excuse, me, Haldir...I...I'm not feeling very well again. I need to go back to my room. Please excuse me," I said, faking a small, sickly smile.

I rose without another word and silently fled, holding the tears back until I reached the door to my room. A hand on my arm stopped me from entering.

"Do you really think that I am not aware of your feelings for him?" Haldir asked, turning me to face him. "All of Mirkwood is aware of what has transpired between the two of you. In my personal opinion, he was an idiot for not being truthful to you. You, however, seem to have an anger management problem and commitment issues. Do you really think he cares one _whit_ for the Elf he brought to dinner? Are you really that thickheaded not to see what he attempts to do? The very same thing _you_ attempted to do to _him_ with Elrond's sons. The two of you need to grow up and act like adults."

This was the longest speech I had ever heard Haldir make. I couldn't help myself - as upset as I was, I started to giggle.

"You're _laughing_? This is no laughing matter! The two of you are making the rest of us insane!"

"I'm sorry, Haldir...it's just that before dinner, I couldn't get you to string more than three words together at one time..."

A small smile graced his lips. "You are incorrigible, do you know that? If I didn't know how the two of you felt about each other, I would be tempted to sweep you off your feet myself."

"Thank you, Haldir. That means a lot to me..." the smile left me, and I could feel the tears welling up again. "But I think you're wrong about Legolas. He seems perfectly content with that blonde bombshell. I don't think he's given me a second thought." I sighed, sniffled, and felt a tear slide down my cheek. "I think I'll just retire...it's been a long day. Thank you spending the day with me, though. Good night, Haldir."

I turned and slipped into my room, closing the door softly behind me.

**"L**egolas! I need to have a word with you," Haldir hissed, standing behind the Prince, tapping him on the shoulder.

"I am a little busy right now, March Warden, if you don't mind. Perhaps after dinner," Legolas replied, nodding his head at his dinner partner.

"_Now_, Legolas," Haldir firmly put his hand on Legolas' shoulder.

"Remove your hand, Haldir, or risk losing it," Legolas growled, tensing his shoulders.

"I think perhaps you should see what the March Warden wants, son," Thranduil put in, not wishing to see a brawl start at the head table. After all, the menu tonight was duck, and Thranduil was hungry.

Legolas nodded his head at his father, but was not pleased at being ordered from the table in front of his date. He brushed past Haldir and led him to a corner of the Great Hall.

Eyes narrowed, frowning, Legolas looked at Haldir. "Is this about what happened this afternoon at the archery range? Have you lost all sense of competition, March Warden?"

"Do you really think I give a warg's _ass_ about you showing off this afternoon? You should know me better than that. You insult me by insinuating that I am that petty."

"Then why interrupt my dinner conversation? For that matter, why aren't you attending to your _own_ escort? She tends to wander off with the first male she encounters if left to her own devices."

"My escort _is_ the reason for this conversation, you imbecile!"

"Sorry, Haldir...you're on your own with that one! Make sure you keep an arm's length of distance between you...she probably bites."

"I should just break you in half and save everyone a headache!" Haldir said through gritted teeth. "Legolas, I have seen your courage and fortitude in battle, your skill with a bow, and your intelligence in the face of adversity...but I have _never_ seen your stupidity before. I am not sure that you deserve her."

"I _don't_ deserve her. I doubt that _Sauron_ would _deserve_ her!"

"Keep a civil tongue in your head, Elfling!"

"Then mind your own business, Haldir!"

"This _is_ my business, Princeling! Your father has _made_ it my business. He chose _me_ to escort Emmess because _you_ seem to have your head stuck up your ass!"

"Oh, so it's _'Emmess,_' now, is it? Tell me, March Warden, have you taken her out to the garden yet? Has she chewed up _your_ heart and spit it back out at you?"

Haldir sighed, shaking his head. "Legolas...do you know what my escort is doing, right at this moment?"

"Rolling about on the floor with the Hobbits?" Legolas replied nastily.

Legolas was surprised to see the floor jump up at him. He lay there for a moment, sprawled on the cold stone, before realizing that Haldir had just decked him.

Growling, he attempted to rise, but Haldir's foot on the middle of his back prevented it.

"Listen to me, Elfling. I will not say this again. You need to get over this feeling sorry for your self-nonsense, or you WILL lose the single best thing that has ever happened to you in your entire sorry life. Your _soulmate_ is upstairs, at this very moment, weeping because she thinks she's lost you. _Soulmate_, Legolas...do you realize how _rare_ that is for Elves? You know that most of us never marry...most of us spend eternity alone. _You_ had to ask _Manwe_ to _find_ her for you. Are you really going to throw that away because of a dent in your pride? If you do, then you are not worthy of happiness, and I pity you."

Legolas felt the heavy foot of the March Warden leave his back, but he didn't rise. He lay there for a long while, thinking.


	12. Funny Girl

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** You had Haldir hit me! In the _face_! Are you mad? **Me: **Calm down, no real harm done. **Legolas:** That is the last straw! I am sic-ing my fangirls on you. **Me:** Uh, oh. **Legolas:** I know where you live. **Me:** Is there a witness protection program for fanfic writers?

Chapter 12 

**Funny Girl**

I'd thrown myself on my bed, weeping uncontrollably. Adranial hovered over me, trying unsuccessfully to console me. She was nearly beside herself, and finally left the room, probably to summon help. I didn't really care. At this point, I just wanted to die and end the pain and humiliation I was feeling.

"Well...this is a fine kettle of fish!"

I looked up from the bed, and through my tear-laden lashes, I saw Manwe's face in the reflecting glass.

"You know...I had you pegged all wrong. I thought you were a strong, intelligent woman...not a blubbery mouse! Look at you! When I first put you down there, you were arrogant, sarcastic, and brazen. Even to ME! What happened? When did you get so mushy?"

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. "Just about the time I had my heart ripped out of my chest and handed to me on a platter...that's when."

"Oh, Dragonshit! You gave up! The first time things don't go your way; the first time you think that maybe, just maybe, you might have to swallow your pride and APOLOGIZE you completely fall apart!"

"I know...I know. It's all my fault. I acted like a first class jackass...okay? Is that what you want to hear? Never mind that it wasn't MY idea to dump me here in the first place!" I yelled, getting up from the bed and walking toward the glass. "Never mind that YOU decided to use ME to answer some half-baked WISH! Never mind that NO ONE asked ME whether I wanted any of this! Never mind that EVERYONE knew about it, except ME and no one bothered to TELL me!" I stood before the mirror, my hands and teeth clenched tight, breathing heavily.

I felt the anger rush out of me in a gush, and I collapsed on the chair in front of the mirror. "Never mind that no one seemed to care that I might get hurt...or hurt someone else..."

I buried my face in my hands, unable to stop the tears.

"I will grant you a wish."

"What?" I said into my palms.

"I said, I will grant you a wish. One wish...whatever it may be."

"Oh, no...no, _thank_ _you_."

"_What_? No one EVER says 'no' to a wish."

"_I_ just did. This whole mess started out because a certain Elf made a wish, and you decided to fulfill it. I am NOT making a wish. I will not risk making anyone else as miserable as I am."

After a few moments of complete silence, I glanced up at the mirror to find Manwe smiling at me.

"Congratulations, Emmess."

"Congratulations on what? Realizing that I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life?"

"No, on discovering the value of placing others before yourself. You just made a huge sacrifice, my dear. You could have wished to be sent back to your home, but you didn't. Or, you could have wished that things had turned out differently in the garden with Legolas, but you didn't. Why? Because you were able to understand that wishes _always_ come with a price. Legolas found this out when you didn't fall swooning into his arms that night in the garden. The price on this particular wish has been paid."

Manwe disappeared, leaving me alone in the room again.

"Why is it that whenever that bearded moron appears, he does nothing but spout horseshit?" I asked, completely distraught and confused. "Prices on wishes..._sure_...and to quote Billy Madison, 'The price is _wrong_, Bob!'"

A soft knocking at the door interrupted my thoughts. Thinking it was Adranial, finally come with an army of Elven shrinks, or whatever they had here that passed for mental health specialists, I said "Come in, I'm ready for the Thorazine." I sat with my back to the door, not bothering to turn around when I heard it open and close.

"I know you do not wish to speak to me, but I beg you to listen anyway..."

I froze, color creeping up into my cheeks.

"I have been a fool...an idiot...a...a..."

"An insufferable, pigheaded, egotistical jackass?"

"Yes," he laughed softly, "just that. Emmess, I came to beg your forgiveness, though I know I don't deserve it."

I turned around, drinking in the sight of him. Legolas. My heart thumped wildly in my chest, as tears continued to stream down my face. His expression was wary...he looked so vulnerable and so very beautiful...there were no other words to describe him. But my heart needed no others.

"You're not the one who needs to apologize, Legolas. I'm the one who owes _you_ that. I was the insufferable, pigheaded, egotistical jackass...you tried to tell me the truth that night in the garden, but I wouldn't listen. I was only concerned with my own damnable pride. My behavior was inexcusable. Can you ever forgiv..." I was cut off as he slammed his mouth on mine, crushing my lips and wrapping me in arms.

It may have been minutes; it may have been hours. Not that it mattered in the least, but when he finally pulled away from me, there were tears in his eyes, too. Not to mention the beginnings of a helluva shiner.

"What happened to your poor eye?" I exclaimed, running my fingers softly over the blackening bruise.

"Ah," he said, chuckling and wincing as my fingers touched a sore spot, " that's a little wake up call from Haldir."

I smiled, thinking that I owed Haldir a gigantic hug and a steak dinner. I softly kissed the bruise, making him smile.

"We should go back down to dinner," he said, his arms never leaving my waist. "I think there are several people there who are waiting so see whether or not you've killed me, or simply torn off a limb or two. Not to mention a severely distraught handmaiden, who, I believe, has threatened to beat me with a chamber pot for the grief I have caused you."

I laughed, leaning my head against his chest. "Don't worry, Legolas...when she sees how happy you've made me, she'll love you just as much as I do."

"You love me? Truly?" he whispered, pulling me back to look in my eyes. "You did not say that...you said only that you forgave me...which was enough to make me happy forever. But...you love me?"

I blushed, looking down. He lifted my chin and asked the question again with his eyes.

"I love you. I finally figured that out, just this afternoon at dinner, believe it or not," I said softly, knowing that my face was crimson.

"I love you, also, Emmess...I have loved you since you first came into my life, that day in the forest. I have never stopped loving you." He lowered his lips to mine once more.

He reluctantly pulled away from me, tucking my arm into his, and leading me toward the door. I stopped, and looked him in the eye.

"I don't think it is a good idea for me to go back down there tonight, Legolas..."

"Why? Everyone will be so happy to see you...especially with me," he smiled, running his fingers down my cheek.

'Not everyone...what about Miss Elven Universe? She's probably going to be pretty annoyed that you left her sitting at the table all alone. She'll have every right to be angry, too." I was shocked when Legolas burst into laughter.

"Legolas! That is not nice! Haven't we learned _anything_ about being truthful from this whole mess? About facing up to our mistakes? You march right down there and..."

A finger to my lips silenced me. "Wait until I tell her you called her 'Miss Elven Universe!' What does that mean anyway?" he snorted.

"_Legolas_...it means that she's beautiful, and doesn't deserve to get dumped in front of room full of people, just because..."

"That beautiful elf is Galadrial. She wasn't here for the Summer Solstice dinner, so you didn't get to meet her. She is the Queen of Lorien, along with her _husband_, King Celeborn."

"Legolas! A _married_ woman! You should be _ashamed_!" I was flabbergasted...and still not getting it.

"Emmess...Celeborn could not leave Lorien, so I was Galadrial's escort for dinner...since you were with Haldir, her March Warden."

"But, but...she looked at you with such love in her eyes!"

"She looks at _everyone_ like that...she's a lovely person, Emmess. You'll like her, I'm sure. Please, let us go before your handmaiden tears the hall apart," he laughed, once again leading me from the room.


	13. Moonstruck

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Alright! I get the girl! I'll call off the fangirls...down, fangirls, down! **Me:** It ain't over till the fat lady sings, Lego. **Legolas:** What fat lady? There's no fat lady in this story. **Me:** There is no real fat lady...it's an expression. **Legolas:** No real fat lady? Is she just pleasantly plump? **Me:** NO! There is NO FAT LADY! **Legolas:** Then who will sing? I was looking forward to it. **Me:** Sigh. It's a good thing that you're pretty.

**Chapter 13**

**Moonstruck**

As Legolas and I descended the stairs into the Great Hall someone spotted us coming, and the Hall erupted into applause. Evidently, word of what was going on had been spread rather quickly. Everyone, indeed, had seemed to be waiting for the outcome. I am sure I was blushing a horrid shade of fuschia. I glanced up at Legolas, who was grinning from ear to pointed ear, and blushing just as badly as I. I smiled, thinking how lucky I was, and how much I loved him.

Walking up the aisle to the head table, I saw smiles on the faces of everyone present, which made me feel as though I had been forgiven, not only by Legolas, but by his people, as well. I smiled back, although the hot feeling in my face remained.

His Majesty, King Thranduil sat watching us as we approached the head table. Suddenly, I began to feel apprehensive...Thranduil was not smiling. Thranduil was not applauding. Thranduil was _frowning_. Not a good sign.

"Uh, oh. Looks like someone isn't thrilled that it worked out as it did..." I thought to myself, tightening my grip on Legolas' arm. "I just _knew_ this was too good to be true..." I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Emmess...what's wrong? You've gone pale, and you're shaking," Legolas whispered, a look of concern in his eyes.

"Look at your father, Legolas...he is _not_ happy," I whispered, "not that I blame him...I behaved so badly...called you every name in the book, and made up a few besides...disrupted his dinner...embarrassed everyone..."

"Shhh. It doesn't matter. Besides, he _likes_ you. If he's angry with anyone, it must be _me_. Not only did I treat you very badly, and act like a complete buffoon - I let Haldir sucker punch me. Everything will be alright." He tried to comfort me, but I remained a nervous wreck.

Arriving at the head table, Legolas bowed, and I curtsied. At least I _tried_ to curtsy. What I actually _managed_ was a slow flop onto my backside.

Legolas was down at my side in an instant. I bit my lip, trying to keep tears at bay, completely mortified. He put his arms around me, and lifted me to my feet, smiling. I glanced at the King, and noticed a smile on his face, too. Well, at least I had managed to amuse him.

I looked down at the floor, my face glowing red, tears beginning to fill my eyes. I felt Legolas' arms tighten around me, and I leaned into him.

"Father, look at what you've done! She's nervous enough...you needn't have made it worse by putting on that face, you know..."

I gasped at the way Legolas addressed his father, the king. This could not _possibly_ help the situation.

"This _is_ my fault, and I _do_ apologize, young lady. I meant the frown for my son, not you. You deserve nothing but smiles for the joy you have put on my son's face."

I looked up to see Thranduil smiling, holding out his hands to me. I took them, and was pulled in for a kiss on the cheek from the king. The room burst into applause again.

"I cannot tell you how happy we all are that you two have resolved your differences...although your antics were quite amusing, I must admit. We were placing bets on when you two would come around. I believe Gandalf won the pool," he laughed.

"I am also very happy that the two of you have found each other at last," came a soft voice, sounding almost like a breeze.

"My Lady, may I present _my_ lady, Emmess...Emmess, this is her Majesty, Queen Galadrial of Lothlorien," Legolas said, turning toward the beautiful blonde sitting at the head table. I noticed that Haldir had taken Legolas' place next to her.

I started to curtsy again, but Galadrial put her hand out to stop me. "All this bowing and curtsying is getting tiresome, my dear...there is no need."

I liked her already.

"Emmess called you 'Miss Elven Universe," Legolas said, a merry twinkle in his eye, earning a severe pinch on the arm from me. "Evidently, a high compliment from her world," he continued, his smile growing.

"Why, thank you, Emmess..." Galadrial said, "what does it mean?"

"It means that you are a very beautiful Elf," Legolas replied for me, saving me from going into a long winded explanation of beauty pageants.

"Haldir," Legolas growled, narrowing his eyes at the big blonde Elf sitting next to Galadrial, "I believe I have a score to settle with you."

"Allow me to settle it for you, Legolas," I said with a big smile. I reached over the table and grabbed Haldir in a bear hug, planting a kiss on his cheek. "I do not think I can repay you for what you did today, Haldir."

It was Haldir's turn to blush - something I don't think he'd ever done before in his long life. Everyone laughed at his discomfort, but he smiled the biggest smile I'd yet seen from him as I released him. "Just call for me if he need some sense knocked into him again," Haldir laughed. Legolas and he clasped wrists, letting the room know that there were no hard feelings.

"Let's sit at the Hobbit's table," Legolas suggested. Everyone had already eaten, but Thranduil had called for food to be brought for us.

Conversation was light and amusing, as Legolas retold the story of how Haldir had given him his "wake-up" call. His eye was turning a deeper shade of purple, and I vowed to ask Elrond for a treatment for it before the night was over.

Eventually, people began drifting off to their rooms. Legolas looked at me and said, "I have a need for fresh air, Emmess...will you walk with me?"

"Now, this sounds familiar," I said with a smile, taking his arm. He led me out of the Great Hall and into the garden. We sat on the small bench, feeling the night air, and each other's presence.

"Legolas, there is something I need to talk to you about," I began, looking at him seriously. The small smile on his face began to fade, as he realized that I needed to talk to him about something important.

"What is it, Melamin?" he asked. Seeing the confused look on my face, he added, "Melamin is Elvish for 'my love.'" He bent over and kissed the tip of my nose, bringing smile to my face again. "That's

better," he added, "I never want to see you frown again. Now, what is it that troubles you?"

"Legolas...you know that I don't really look like this...don't you?" I asked softly, almost afraid to look at him. "Manwe changed everything about my appearance when he brought me here."

"Do you wish me to ask him to change you to the way you looked before, Melamin? It does not matter to me...I will love you no matter what you look like...I love _you_, not the shell you inhabit."

Seeing the troubled look on my face, he added, "I would love you even if you looked like Gimli."

I giggled a bit at that, some of the tension draining from me.

Legolas smiled, and then put on a very exaggerated worried expression. "You don't really look like Gimli...do you?"

I laughed aloud, throwing my arms around him. "No, I didn't look like Gimli! I don't think I want to change back to the way I was, either...I'm getting used to the body. But I wouldn't mind if these were a bit smaller...' I smiled, looking down at the girls.

"I would miss them very much," Legolas said sadly, shaking his head.

"You ARE a perverted ass!" I laughed, giving him a shove. "But I like that about you!" I added with a smile.

He pulled me to my feet, and wrapped his arms around me. For the second time since my arrival, he kissed me in the moonlight in the garden. His mouth was hot and soft upon mine; sending shivers down my body, as he held me tightly to him.

"I love you with all my heart, Emmess. I bind myself to you, for all the days of my life. I give to you my strength, my protection, my kin and ties, my heart, my very soul, and I take the same that is yours into my keeping."

"Oh," was all I could manage. Tears had once again welled in my eyes, so moved was I by his tender words. He kissed the tears away, then turned once again to my lips.

"Legolas...I...I..."

"What, my love? Tell me what is in your heart."

"I never thought it possible to feel love for someone as deeply as I do for you...the very thought of being without you gives me a physical pain...Legolas," I continued, running my fingers down his cheek, "I want to be with you."

"You are with me, Little One."

I sighed, thinking that subtlety was not working. "No, Legolas...I mean tonight...I want to be _with_ you." My eyes met his and held them. I could very nearly see the light going on over his head.

"Oh, _with_ me. Emmess, this is what I want also. But, I must be truthful with you. What you ask of me - and believe me I will give it without hesitation, if it is what you truly want, for there is nothing I want more in this life - is as binding to my people as any marriage ceremony could ever be." He searched my eyes for my answer; suddenly afraid it would not be the one he wanted.

"Legolas...I am sorry...I had no idea...I certainly cannot ask you to do such a thing..." I blushed at my faux pas. My God, I had just asked the guy to marry me!

"Emmess...I have pledged my love to you. In my heart we are already as one. My thought was to give you a ceremony, much as Aragorn and Arwen had...but that does not mean that we have to wait to marry - if indeed, you wish to be my wife."

"Are you asking me?" I said softly, looking down at the ground. He lifted my chin with his fingers, his eyes softly glowing in the moonlight.

"I am...tell me your answer, Melamin."

"I can think of nothing I want more than to be your wife, Legolas. But, perhaps we should wait for the ceremony...your father may not be pleased if his son, er..._marries_ without his knowledge or consent," I smiled, my finger tracing his lips.

Legolas sighed. "If you wish to wait, we shall. I live for your happiness, Little One," he agreed, kissing my forehead, "but we shall speak with my father this very night, for I will not wait long."


	14. From Here To Eternity

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** Why is it that Legolas always gets the girl? What does he have that I don't? He's an Elf...I'm an Elf. He's a blonde...I'm a blonde. He's tall...I'm tall. He can shoot...I can shoot. What's the freaking deal? **Me:** Go read southerngirl4615 's trilogy...you're the big man on campus in _those_ stories, Lover Boy. **Haldir:** Lover Boy? Really? Me? **Legolas:** Someone wrote a story that didn't star me? I'm calling my union. POW! **Me:** Haldir! That's the second time you've decked him. The fangirls are gonna be all over my butt now.

**Chapter 14**

**From Here To Eternity**

Legolas led me up the stairs in the Great Hall to the third tier, walking swiftly past several doors. He stopped at an ornately carved one, in the exact center of the tier, and knocked on it.

"Legolas, it is very late...your father is probably asleep. Perhaps this would not be the best time to tell him that you want to marry a girl from another dimension," I said, tugging on Legolas' sleeve.

"Nonsense. Elves sleep very little, if at all. He's probably reading some kind of boring text, if I know my father." Legolas knocked again, louder this time.

"What?" came a muffled voice from inside the room. It sounded a little irritated and out-of-breath to my ears. "I'm busy."

"Father? We have a need to speak with you immediately. It is of the utmost importance."

"Legolas? What's wrong? Just a moment..."

I could hear scrambling, and the rustling of material from within the room. The door opened, and the King peered out, looking rather rumpled. I stood just behind Legolas, and glanced over the King's shoulder to see Adranial peeking out from under the covers of the King's bed. Uh, oh. He had _NOT_ been reading.

Suddenly, I was extremely confused.

"Father, I have come to ask you for your permission to wed. Emmess has agreed to become my wife, and we wish to hold the ceremony as soon as possible."

"Hold it, buster..." I said, tapping Legolas on the shoulder. "I thought you just told me that being, er..._intimate_...was a binding contract among your people? Has the King married the handmaiden?"

"He told you WHAT?" King Thranduil asked, tying the belt of his dressing robe. I noticed Adranial pull the covers up over her head. "Legolas! Did you really feed her that line? What is _wrong_ with you, boy?"

Legolas looked at his father in shock. "Father...you know it is true...I have been taught this since my earliest days. Mother always told me that to touch a woman was the same as marriage...why do you say otherwise? And what is the handmaiden doing in your bed?"

"Eru preserve us! Tell me you don't still believe that cock and bull story after nearly 3,000 years? Son..." Thranduil said, putting his hand on Legolas' shoulder, "I truly loved your mother, may she rest in the Halls of the Mandos. She was a wonderful wife, and mother. Unfortunately, she was also an uptight, ice queen when it came to sex. She fed you that drivel because she couldn't bear the thought of her baby boy growing up and wanting to, er..._indulge_ himself. I thought I had this talk with you well over 1,000 years ago? Oh, wait, that may have been with one of your brothers..."

"Do you mean to tell me that all of it was a _lie_? That I have forced myself to remain chaste for 2,931 years for _NOTHING_?"

Thranduil shook his head, sympathy in his eyes. "I don't know how you did it, son...if I go more than two days, I have trouble walking."

I did NOT want to be hearing this conversation.

I turned around and walked back down the hall, leaving Legolas still standing shell shocked at his father's door. My mind was in an uproar. What exactly did this mean? He said he loved me, but did he _really_, or was he just desperate to get laid? Exactly what did he mean by waiting for 2,931 years? He didn't look a day over twenty-seven. How could anyone be nearly three thousand years old? How could anyone be nearly three thousand years old and still a_ virgin_?

I heard Legolas run up behind me. His strong hands gripped my shoulders and he spun me around to face him.

"Emmess, this changes nothing. I love you and have every intention of marrying you."

"Are you kidding? This changes _EVERYTHING_. Legolas," I said, putting my hands on his chest, "you just learned that an important value you have held your entire life is a false one. A beautiful sentiment, but nothing more. Waiting for marriage is a wonderful thing, when the decision is made freely. But you waited simply because you thought you had no other choice. How long will you be content to be with just one person, when you now know that you can have anyone you wish without recrimination?"

"I could be content with you for eternity," he said simply, bending to kiss me. I held him away from me, shaking my head. "You need to think about this, Legolas. _I_ need to think about this. By the way, while we're on the subject, exactly how old _are_ you?"

He blinked, shaking his head in confusion. "What difference does how old I am make?"

"An answer, please, Legolas," I said, my eyes hardening at his avoidance of my question.

"I am 2,931 years...give or take a year. It becomes difficult to keep tract after the first twenty five hundred," he replied. "Why is this so important to you?"

"Oh, God...no _wonder_ you asked Manwe to find you a girl! Legolas, how can _anyone_ live so long? I don't understand."

"I'm an Elf..." he replied, as if this cleared everything up.

"So _what_? Does being and Elf make you _immortal_ or something?" I asked sarcastically, then froze at the look on his face. "HOLY SHIT!" I yelled, pushing him backwards. "You're _IMMORTAL_? As in, living forever, never dying, walking-the-earth-_forever_ immortal?"

"Elves can die...killed in battle, or through weariness of the world..." Legolas tried to explain, missing the point completely.

"ARGH! I can't believe you didn't _tell_ me this! What _ELSE_ have you neglected to tell me? Do you have an evil twin? Sprout hair doing a full moon? Is there a portrait of you somewhere that AGES? Tell me NOW Elfboy!" I was furious, both at Legolas for withholding important information about himself, and at his deceased mother for possibly ruining his life.

"Emmess...what are you talking about? I'm an _Elf_...you knew that. I told you that within the first five minutes of our meeting."

"Yes, you told me you were an Elf. You neglected to tell me that you were also _Father Time_!"

"You are beside yourself. Let's go down to the kitchen and get you some tea..."

"Don' you _DARE_ patronize me! I DO NOT need _TEA_! I need an explanation! I _need_ someone to tell me the entire, unvarnished truth for once! I _need_ to have my head examined for being naïve enough to believe every word that falls out of your mouth!" I gave him a push backwards, and spun on my heel, running back down the stairs to the second level to my room. I gave the door a satisfying slam behind me. I leaned back against the door, shaking.


	15. It Happened One Night

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Do you honestly think that anyone could _possibly_ believe that _I've_ never gotten any? Out of the 33,383 stories currently on this website, approximately 33,380 of them concern me getting just _that_. **Me:** Lego, have you read the books? You never got married. You hung out with Gimli, and finally sailed _with him_ to Valinor. If you insist that you're _not_ a virgin, what does _that_ tell us? **Gimli:** _I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt..._

Chapter 15

**It Happened One Night**

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, and stop shaking. I could not take much more of this. Every time I thought things were finally worked out between us, something happened to bring me crashing back down to earth.

"On again...off again. On again...off again. Would you two kindly make up your minds! You are driving us all to distraction!" came a familiar voice from the direction of the dressing table.

"Manwe, _please_. I don't think I can handle another existential lecture from you right now. I'm sick and tired of the being the last one to know _anything_," I said, sitting down on the bed. "Legolas is immortal. I'm having a bit of a hard time wrapping my mind around that, okay?"

"Of course, he's immortal. You read the books Tolkien wrote...you saw the movies...you _had_ to know it."

"I told you I read the books years and years ago in school! The movies were freaking over three hours long _each_...I guess I must have been doing the bathroom dash during that part."

"You knew that Elrond was 7,000 years old when you kissed him."

"I was being _sarcastic_. I didn't mean that I thought he was actually alive for _7,000 years_! By the way, he looks really good for his age."

"You're taking this better than I would have thought...no screaming or crying?"

"I'm done screaming, and I don't think I have enough fluid left in my body to cry."

"Emmess...what's the big deal? So, he's immortal...so _what_? Why does that bother you so much?" Manwe asked from the reflecting glass.

"It matters because...because..."

"You see? You can't think of one good reason why it should matter. You were just shocked, that's all."

"It's not just that, Manwe. I know I can get over the immortality thing...it's the OTHER thing that I can't deal with, okay?" I said, pounding my fist on the bed.

"Oh...you mean the virgin thing? I wouldn't worry about that...Legolas has always been a fast learner," he chuckled.

I stood up and walked over to the mirror.

"God! Can you _possibly_ get _any_ more vulgar? Look, I'm going to explain this just one time...so pay attention. Legolas, evidently, has spent his _entire_ _life_ - and we've already established _just_ how long that really has been - with a perpetual hard-on. I know that's a crude image, but you asked for it. Today he finds out that _none_ of it was necessary...that he could fall in bed with any willing Elf - of which I am certain there is no shortage - whenever he wishes. Have you _seen_ these broads? There isn't a dog among them! Just how long do think he'll be able to keep it in his pants? And you know what? I can't even blame him.

"But I also can't live with the possibility of him cheating on me hanging over my head, _or_ with the possibility that the only reason he's _not_ cheating is because he feels guilty because he married me. I can't - no, I _WON'T_ be an albatross around this particular old man's neck. Do you get it _now_, Mirror Boy?"

"You certainly don't give him much credit. You say that you love him, but can't trust him?"

"I do love him...that's why this _hurts_ so much! And I _do_ trust him...it's just that now that he knows he's free to do whatever, or rather _whoever_, he wishes, sooner or later he's gonna start wondering why he's stuck himself with hamburger when there's an entire gourmet buffet waiting right outside his door!"

"What has Legolas to say about this?"

"Legolas has nothing to say about this. Legolas is still in shock over finding out that his mother lied to him. Legolas is..."

"Right here," came a voice from behind me. I had been so busy making speeches to the face in the mirror, that I hadn't heard the door.

I spun around to see Legolas standing just inside my door. He locked eyes with me, but spoke to Manwe.

"Manwe, if you please...I would like some time alone with my _fiancée_."

"Of course...of course..." Manwe faded from the mirror, leaving me alone with Legolas.

"Legolas..." I began, but he cut me right off.

"Do _NOT_ Legolas me. I heard what you said to Manwe. It hurts me to think that you think so little of me. I fell in love with _you_...not in love with idea of _having_ you. That's just a fringe benefit of finding the person you wish to spend your life with. I've gone three thousand years without indulging in that particular activity...I think I can manage being faithful to the woman I love for another hundred or so."

I couldn't think of a blessed thing to say to that. I reddened with shame for not having faith in him. "I'm so _sorry_, Legolas...I just...what are you doing?"

He had turned and thrown the bolt on the door. Turning to face me once more, he began to untie his belt from his waist.

"Legolas...what..."

He still said not a word. He was now unhooking the front of his tunic. He let it fall from his shoulders to lay in a heap at his feet.

I was in deep trouble now.

Walking slowly toward me, clad only in his breeches, my flaxen haired Adonis put his hands on either side of my face and pulled me into a fiery, open-mouthed kiss. My hands instinctively wound themselves in his silky hair, gripping fistfuls as I was overcome by the same need he felt.

"Do you want me?" he asked into the flesh of my neck as he bent to nuzzle there, his hands roaming my back.

"Legolas..." I tried to retain a vestige of sanity against the mounting desire.

"Do you want me?" he repeated, pulling my earlobe into his soft mouth.

"Ahhh...Legolas..." was the only answer I could manage.

I felt his strong fingers grasp the material of the back of my dress, and heard a long ripping sound as he literally tore the dress from my body.

He swept me up into his arms and carried me to the bed, laying me in the center of it, and began to untie the lacings of his breeches.

The night passed far too swiftly.

Sunshine poured through the windows, and I stirred my head from the crook of Legolas' shoulder. He traced the curve of my face with his finger.

"Haven't you slept at all?" I asked, stretching up my chin to lightly kiss his strong jaw.

"I told you, Elves sleep little," he replied, a small smile on his lips. I looked into his eyes, and saw the flames of desire burning there once more.

"Again, Legolas?" I laughed, sliding my hand up his chest, relishing the feeling of his smooth skin.

"After 3,000 years, once is just not enough, especially with you, Melamin," he replied, placing his hand at the small of my back to pull me closer.

"It was _three_ times, at my last count, you horny little monkey, you!" I laughed. My laughter was cut off by his hot mouth firmly planted on mine.

The day past far too swiftly.


	16. It's A Wonderful Life

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Horny little monkey, huh? I _told_ you I'd be the one to end up in bed with Emmess. **Me:** Shut it, Lego...I need a cigarette after writing that chapter.

Chapter 16 

**It's A Wonderful Life**

**G**imli sat at a table in the Great Hall, shoveling food into his mouth. He looked up as King Thranduil approached, half rose out of his chair, and gave the king a quick bow, all the while continuing to spoon stew into his beard.

"Yer Majesty..." he slurred through a mouthful of food, "Have ye seen yer son yet today? I've been looking for him since dawn."

"No, Gimli...he has yet to return to his own chambers."

"Oi! Ye mean they've not come up fer air _yet_? It's been two days!"

"Gimli, the boy is working through a couple of thousand years of frustration...they may not come out of that room for a month!" Thranduil laughed.

Adranial approached Thranduil, curtsying deeply. "My Lord, Lady Emmess has still not sent for me...they'll starve to death if they don't get some food soon."

Thranduil made no mention of their liaison - he was nothing if not discreet about his affairs. "Perhaps we should send up a platter," he mused, drumming his fingers on the table. "Legolas can survive without food for a long while with no ill effect, but Emmess cannot, and I doubt that my son is thinking with his head right now. Yes, you'd best bring up a platter for them."

**I **had just opened my eyes, whena knock sounded at the door of my bedroom. Legolas was snoring lightly by my side. Evidently, even _he_ was worn out. I smiled, and softly brushed the hair from his face.

Rising, I slipped into a dressing gown and went to the door. Adranial stood there, bearing a tray of fruit and a pitcher of juice. She smiled at me, blushing a bit, remembering that I had seen her in the King's bed.

"Don't be embarrassed, Adranial," I whispered. "After all, guess who's been sleeping in _my_ bed!" We exchanged smiles, and I took the platter and pitcher from her.

Placing them on the dressing table, I ate ravenously. After all, I hadn't eaten in nearly two days. I checked to make sure that Legolas was still sleeping. "He needs some sleep, and I need a break," I thought to myself. "For a while there, I thought he might actually kill me...though I can't think of a better way to go!"

I quickly washed and dressed, thinking a walk about the grounds might do me some good. I left the room, and walked down the stairs to the Great Hall. I noticed some very amused smiles on the faces of Elves that I passed. "Well, I guess the secret's out," I thought, smiling inwardly.

"Lassie!" I heard Gimli call me from near the entrance. I smiled to see him, giving him a warm hug.

"Is Legolas coming? I've been meaning to discuss something with him..."

"Sorry, Gimli, he's asleep yet," I answered, glancing up toward my door.

"Hmmm. I'm surprised ye can still walk, Lassie," Gimli said, looking me up and down with a slight frown on his face.

"Gimli! That's a terrible thing to say!" I laughed, blushing bright red at the Dwarf's indiscretion.

"Bah! The boy nearly killed me running all over Rohan...I can only imagine what he's been putting ye through!" he laughed, taking my elbow and leading me to a table. "Come put yer feet up and talk to me fer a while."

We sat, and Gimli caught the eye of a servant. He ordered two mugs of tea, and we sat sipping in a comfortable silence for a while. A breeze blew through the opening of the cavern, causing a tiny string of bells tied to a nearby tree to tinkle softly.

"Every time a bell rings, an Elf hears the sea sing," Gimli said softly, looking at the bells. "Lassie...there's something that's been troubling me. I know it's none of me business, but I care about the both of ye...so I can't hold me tongue."

"What is it, Gimli? Whatever it is, you can tell me...is something wrong?" I suddenly felt apprehensive, placing my mug down on the table.

"Has Legolas told ye about the 'call of the sea?'" he asked, not quite willing to meet my eyes.

"No, what does that mean?" I asked. A knot developed in the pit of my stomach, because I could tell from the expression on Gimli's face that it couldn't be a good thing.

"Ah, Lassie...best to let him tell ye. I shouldn't have opened me big mouth. 'Tis none of my affair...I just didn't want him to...er, forget to tell ye about it, what with him being so...involved right now, so to speak." Gimli rose, and gallantly kissed my hand - something he'd never done before. "I'll tell ye this, lass, he does love you. Please, lass, for his sake, be patient...be understanding."

He turned and left me sitting at the table, looking up at the door to my room. "Okay...how bad can it be? Pretty damn bad, probably. Why is it that every time I think we've cleared the air, and that he's told me everything, I find out that there's always one more secret?" I sighed. "Well, you'd think I'd be used to it by now."

I turned around and climbed the stairs back to my room. Opening the door, I slipped inside, trying not to make any noise. If he was still sleeping, I didn't want to wake him.

I needn't have been so cautious, because Legolas was wide-awake, sitting up in bed, and grinning at me. He held the core of an apple in his hand, which he promptly tossed to the floor when he saw me enter the room. Patting the bed, he asked, "Where have you been? I've missed you. Come right back here where you belong."

"Legolas, if I get back in that bed with you, it will be another few days before you'll let me get back out. Right now, we need to talk."

He saw my serious expression, and the worry that was etched on my face. "Emmess, what's wrong? Come sit and tell me...I promise I'll just listen."

I perched myself on the edge of the mattress, not daring to actually climb back in bed with him.

"I just had an interesting conversation with Gimli...Legolas, what is the 'call of the sea?'" I asked softly, searching his face for clues.

His face darkened, and I knew I had been right...what ever it was, it _wasn't_ a good thing, and I was _not_ going to like it.

Sighing, he took my hands and pulled me closer. "I was going to tell you, Emmess, truly...the time just never seemed right before, and then we were, um...busy." A very slight smile tugged the corner of his mouth, and I saw that light glow in his eyes for a moment, before he became serious again.

"Elves are immortal...we've been over that. But they do not usually spend eternity here in Arda. When our time comes, we hear the sea call to us. In the Elven White Ships, we sail the Straight Road across the sea to the Blessed Realm of Aman, to live the rest of existence with the Valar. Emmess...I do not know when the sea will call me...but I do know that I will not leave you."

"Can't I go with you? I would gladly follow you anywhere."

"Mortals cannot sail the Straight Road, Emmess," he said softly, sadness filling his eyes.

"Legolas...you said Elves do not usually spend eternity here...what does that mean?"

"Arwen chose the mortal life...she will walk this earth forever, long after Aragorn has turned to dust, until the world ends, or the weariness of walking it ends _her_. I would make the same choice for you, Emmess, but that choice is not mine to make. Arwen was born Half-Elven, like her father. I am a full blooded Elf...when the sea calls, eventually I must answer."

"Poor Arwen...she must love Aragorn so much to make such a choice!" I gazed into Legolas' eyes, seeing a pain fleet through them. "There is more, isn't there? Something you don't want to tell me."

Legolas sighed, pulling me into his arms. "When the sea calls, it is nearly impossible to ignore it. It will be difficult for me, that's all. But I will _not_ leave you."

"So...I grow old, and wrinkled, and droopy, and you'll be struggling against this call. Do I have it right?" I asked, looking up at him. "Sounds like fun," I added sarcastically.

"Age will not change how I see you, my love. My struggle against the call - if it should even come that soon - will not matter. What matters is only that I wish to be with you."

"I can't just sit by and know that you suffer, Legolas! That would be too painful to bear. When this call comes, I want you to go."

"NO!" he shouted his eyes wide. "I will not leave you!"

"Legolas...I know that you love me, and you know that I love you beyond all measure. How happy do you think I will be if I know that you suffer?" I asked gently, placing my palm on his cheek, tears filling my eyes.

He took my hand from my cheek and kissed my palm. "I believe that this is one argument that you will not win, Melamin. You are stuck with me for the rest of your life. _Ele nehel naa aralasseamin."_

"I can see where I'm going to have to learn Elvish, Legolas! What does that mean...it sounds so beautiful," I said resting my head on his shoulder, unable to find the strength or the will to argue with him any longer.

"It means, 'to behold you is my greatest joy," he whispered, softly kissing my forehead, "I can never suffer as long as I am with you." I sighed, closed my eyes and fell asleep in his arms.


	17. Love Is A Many Splendored Thing

**Disclaimer: ** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas: ** Awww. I'm so sweet! Don't you love how I throw out those quotes in Elvish? Awww. **Me:** I am going to throw up, Lego...I really am. **Legolas:** Come on, you love it and you know it. Admit it. **Me:** Damn it! I hate it when you're right.

Chapter 17 

**Love Is a Many Splendored Thing**

For my wedding ceremony, Galadrial had sent me the most beautiful gown I had ever seen. It was the softest shade of blue, gauzy and flowing, with long tapered sleeves that dripped lace at the cuffs. All along the princess neckline, hem, and cuffs were stitched tiny dark blue stones that twinkled whenever the light caught them. She had also sent shoes to match, the same soft blue shade, and trimmed with the tiny stones.

Once again, not three months after the Summer Solstice, dignitaries from all across Arda converged on Mirkwood, and the Great Hall was transformed into a banquet hall. The Elves of Mirkwood had truly outdone themselves, for the Hall twinkled and shimmered with a myriad of tiny candles, thousands of them, sprinkled all over the Hall. Flowers bloomed everywhere adding their sweet scent to the air, already thick with the delicious aromas of food waiting to be served after the ceremony.

I was a nervous wreck, fidgeting constantly as Adranial endeavored to braid my hair in the traditional Silvan Elf wedding style. She finally got so irritated at my wiggling that she dropped my hair, and stood behind me with her hands on her hips, frowning at me.

"Milady, you simply MUST stop all this twitching! I do not understand why you are so nervous...are you having second thoughts?"

"No, of course not! I really don't know why I'm so edgy...I've felt this way for a couple of weeks now."

"Are you feeling any better? You have been sick on and off for quite a while now...I still think you should have called the healers. You're behaving like a child!"

Adranial and I had become close friends over the past couple of months, although she stolidly refused to call me by name, and insisted on addressing me as 'milady' or 'Lady Emmess.' Still, she never hesitated to tell me exactly what she thought. I loved that about her.

"No healers, Adranial. It's just a stomach bug of some kind - that's all. If I call for the healers, Legolas will _freak_. You know how he is when he thinks something's wrong."

"How was he when he returned last night?" Adranial asked, a chuckle in her voice.

Legolas had been shanghaied by Elrohir and Elladan, and dragged off, kicking and screaming, for some kind of traditional Elf bachelor party.

"Drunk as a skunk and twice as stinky," I answered, laughing. "Poor dear must have quite a headache this morning." I hadn't seen Legolas at all today...I had insisted on that. Everything about this wedding ceremony was Elven...I wanted at least a _small_ bit of tradition from my own world. He would NOT see the bride until the ceremony began.

Adranial picked up the thick shanks of my hair she had been working with and began braiding and intertwining them again. She wove tiny blue flowers in and out of the braids, creating a veil of petals.

I wondered how my Legolas was faring.

Legolas paced back and forth across the room, as impatient and nervous as any bridegroom had ever been.

"Laddie...ye best stop that. Yer gonna wear a furrow in the stone! I must tell ye, 'tis very un-Elflike behavior!" Gimli laughed, seeing the bundle of nerves he called his friend reach one end of the room, turn on his heel and walk right back again.

"Aye, _havo dad_, Legolas," Aragorn laughed, "What are you so nervous about? From what I've heard, this ceremony is merely a formality, anyway!"

Legolas turned to look at his friends. He was dressed in his golden tunic, complete with a silver sash denoting his station, Prince of Mirkwood. His mithril crown gleamed upon his head, his platinum hair braided in the traditional style. "I am NOT nervous."

Gimli and Aragorn burst into laughter, causing Legolas' cheeks to turn red.

"Come on, Laddie...settle down! She'll be there, ye know. I know that's what's got ye bouncing about the room," Gimli said, sincerely.

"What if she changes her mind? She was not happy when I told her that I had no intention of answering the call to the sea, should it come in her lifetime."

"She'll be there, Laddie. I've seen the way she looks at you, and believe me, she'll be there."

Legolas continued to pace.

The moon rose full that night, casting a silvery light on all of Mirkwood. Within the Great Hall, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, Wizards, and Men gathered amicably for the wedding of one of their own to the girl from another dimension.

King Thranduil looked resplendent in his formal robes and mithril crown, standing proudly with Legolas' brothers at the head of the Hall. Gandalf waited in the front center of the Hall, having agreed to perform the ceremony. Legolas stood with Gimli and Aragorn, next to him, awaiting for my arrival.

As I reached the stairs that led down into the Hall I realized that Haldir, looking quite handsome in his dark blue tunic, was waiting to escort me down into the Hall. As I took his arm, musicians took up their instruments, and a soft, almost eerie Elven melody filled the hall.

I descended the stairs and my eyes caught Legolas' - from then on, he was all I saw. I realized I had stopped in front of Gandalf, who smiled gently, waiting for us to focus our attention on him. Haldir stepped off to the side, joining Galadrial and an Elf I assumed to be her husband, Celeborn.

Traditional to the very last, the entire ceremony was conducted in Elvish. I didn't understand a single word spoken, but I understood the intent, and cried just as if it had been in my own language. The only exception made was when Gandalf asked me if I agreed to the joining. Of course, I said yes. Legolas said _hawa_. I hoped that that meant yes.

Legolas reached for my right hand, and Gandalf bound it with a silken cord to Legolas' left, signifying the joining of the two of us, together as one forever.

The ceremony ended, and the Hall erupted into applause and cheers. We stood, still tied together, as the entire Hall filed past us, beginning with Legolas' relatives, to wish us good fortune on our marriage.

From the mirrors that hung on the wall behind us, a very famliar voice called out his best wishes for us. Turning, we saw Manwe beaming at us from the mirror. The entire hall, ourselves included, knelt.

I looked up and said, with tears in my eyes, "Manwe, I should still be very angry at you for what you did...but instead I will thank you, for you have given me more than I had ever dreamt possible."

"Think nothing of it, Emmess...you have made the past few months very interesting indeed! Besides, I always know what I'm doing!"

"Ha! That's just what you'd like everyone to believe, Manwe," came a second voice from the mirror. A lovely Elf with shimmering white hair appeared next to Manwe. Looking at me, she said, "Child, I am Varda - this one's wife," she continued, nodding at Manwe. "I apologize on his behalf for the trouble he has caused. It would have been much easier on the both of you if he had just been truthful with you from the start, and encouraged Legolas to do the same. Honestly, he tends to also be...what did you call Legolas that day? Insufferable, stubborn..."

"Egotistical jackass," I said smiling at Legolas, who grinned back at me.

'Exactly! Because of the grief my husband has caused you, I will bestow upon you a gift never before given to any of Men. When the sea calls to Legolas...you shall sail with him to the Blessed Realm."

With that, the images in the mirror disappeared. Legolas swept me into a fierce hug that I feared might actually snap my spine.

Looking in to his eyes, I felt the love he had for me, and hoped he felt what I held in my heart for him. He kissed me then with such tenderness, that I knew he did.

"Well, Laddie and Lassie, I guess Legolas' wandering days are over!" Gimli laughed, as he came up to us in the reception line that had once again started to file past us.

"You bet they are...he's not going anywhere without me!" I laughed back, giving Gimli a one armed hug.

The rest of the night was spent eating, talking, laughing, dancing, and celebrating our love for each other. It was late when Legolas led me from the Hall, up the stairs to the third tier, where our new quarters would be.

Standing outside the door to our new suite, he turned to me and whispered, "I believe Gimli was right...my wandering days are over. I am content to be with you and only you. It will be the just the two of us forever...a lifetime here, and an eternity in the Blessed Realm."

"Um, Legolas...it can't be just the two of us."

"Of course, we will see other people from time to time...I didn't mean we would become recluses!" he laughed.

"No, Legolas...it can't be just the two of us."

'What do you mean? I don't understand..."

"It can't be just the two of us because you're going to be a daddy."

He swept me into his arms and into the suite, closing the door behind us.

And eternity passed far too swiftly.

The End 

Translations: havo dad - sit down.

Hawa - yes


End file.
